A Bathroom Inconvenience

My cousin Caroline stayed the night for the first time at her boyfriend's house on Saturday. In fact, it wasn't his house; it was his mum & dad's house. Anyway, during the night, Caroline needed to use the bathroom, so she crept down the hall and went into the bathroom in the dark. She decided against putting the light on. She didn't want to make the mistake of waking anyone up, plus the family pitbull, Everton, was asleep in the hallway and she didn't want to wake him up either. Everton loves a good bark whenever he's happy or sad!

Caroline stooped over the lavatory and did her thing but she didn't hear her "thing" ping in the lavatory water. When she looked down, Caroline saw the horrors of all horrors. She'd done a wee-wee on the blue, fluffy toilet lid cover!

So in the dark in the dead of the night, in the bath, with the shower gel, she washed the furry, blue, toilet seat cover - rinsed it and squeezed out the excess water. She then put the thing on the radiator and crept back into bed. She set her mobile phone alarm for 6am in order to get the toilet seat lid off the radiator and back onto the toilet seat lid before anyone discovered her transgression!

Her alarm went off at 6am and she crept back down the hallway, stepped over Everton and went into the bathroom to discover that the toilet seat cover was almost dry, so she put it back on and crept back to bed as if nothing happened.

Lucky for Caroline, no one was any the wiser!

Who is Jill Scott?

I'm loving the TV drama The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, starring Jill Scott (pictured right). I've read the books written by British author Alexander McCall Smith and the television drama brings his characters to life without veering off too far away from the book.

There are some stellar performances by both well known and not so well known actors, including Anika Noni Rose who stared alongside Jennifer Hudson and Beyonce in Dreamgirls.

A clip from The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, set in Botswana

It's Spring... It's Official!

Don't forget to put your UK clocks forward at midnight tonight. You'll lose an hours' sleep, but it means that Spring has sprung and better weather is on its way!

Sexy Chic or High Street Trendy?

Jennifer Hudson shows how a voluptuous lady can wear an over-the-knee dress and look stylish and fabulous all at the same time.

However, Vanessa Feltz shows us that she’s trying out something a little “different” on her voluptuous figure – I guess she likes the younger look!

Women need a four dimensional man

So says Steve Harvey!

Women are complicated creatures. We need stuff; lots of it! We expect our man to provide it, even if we haven’t explained what it is we need and want, and sometimes, what we needed and wanted five minutes ago is completely different from what we want and need right now.

In fact, the only way a woman can be truly and completely satisfied is if she got herself four different men.

1) An OLD one
2) An UGLY one
3) A MANDINGO; and
4) A GAY man

All we need is to have the four of them combined and life would be perfect.

The OLD Man – he’ll sit around the house with you, spend his pension on you, hug you, hold you, give you comfort and won’t expect any sex from you because, well, he can’t get it up anyway. From him, you get financial security.

The UGLY Man – He’ll go above and beyond the call of duty to help you out: he’ll take the kids to their extra curricular lessons after school, run you down to the grocery store, wash the car at the weekend, babysit the cat – whatever you need, he’ll provide it because he’s just happy someone as beautiful as you is paying him any kind of attention. From him, you get “me time”. He frees you up to do all the things you need time to do.

The MANDINGO Man – You need a big ‘ole Mandingo man. You know what you’re gonna get from him. He’s big, he’s not that smart, can’t hold a good conversation, got muscles popping from his eyebrows to his big toe and when you see him, you know he’s going to put your back out. That’s all you want from him and he makes sure he gives it to you real good. Mind-blowing sex – that’s what you get from Mandingo.

The GAY Man – He’s someone you can go shopping with, who doesn’t want anything from you but gossip and details about what the old man bought you, which errands you sent the ugly guy to take care of and exactly how Mandingo had you doing monkey flips for a week. See the gay guy gives you all the conversation you need.

Four guys supplying each of your needs should bring you happiness. I say should because for women, happiness isn’t guaranteed, even once their needs have been met. Men fully recognise that women maintain the right to change at any time the perimeters, conditions and specifics of what, EXACTLY will make you happy and men try to adjust accordingly and usually can’t.

Now men in contrast are very simple creatures. It really doesn’t take much to make a man happy. In fact, there are only three things that pretty much meets every man’s needs:

1) Support
2) Love; and
3) The "Cookie" (1)

Note (1): Sex, love-making, birds and the bees, coitus, copulation, fornication, procreation, relations, reproduction, sensuality, sexuality

Steve Harvey - Act Like a Lady… Think Like a Man

Mile High Baby

A 30 year old woman believed to have been travelling from Samoa to Auckland secretly gave birth in an aeroplane toilet! Worse still, she abandoned the new born baby inside a bin in the cubicle.

Airline, Pacific Blue said the baby was discovered an hour after the flight landed when a member of staff was cleaning the toilet.

It’s amazing that she got away with it while still on the plane. I mean the pain of contractions is so intense, it’s like a horse/elephant/grizzly bear kicking you in the stomach wearing steel toe capped boots with six inch nails sticking out of them, approximately every six minutes; so for her not to break into a sweat or not even scream out loud is amazing.

Can you imagine the commotion that must have been going on in that tiny little cubicle! First of all, she was alone in there (I presume). She must have been in immense pain but she managed to keep quiet. Then there’s the baby’s cry when it was born. Did she go into the toilet with a pair of scissors to cut the umbilical cord? Did she even know she was about to give birth?

She must have created an almighty mess with all the water from the amniotic fluid, the after birth and the blood. I just can’t imagine the scene in that loo. Then she put the new born baby in a bin! A poor little defenceless new born baby in the dust bin! I guess not all women are hardwired to feel the maternal instinct wash over them when they give birth. But to throw away her own flesh and blood! Jesus, you have to be suffering from a serious condition to be able to walk away from the dust bin that you’ve just put your baby in. Then she went back and sat down in her aeroplane seat like nothing happened.

She must have been so vexed when officials tracked her down; after she went to all that trouble of giving birth in silence. She must have been secretly rubbing her hands together at the thought of getting away with it; but apparently, she was identified once she’d disembarked the plane because she had blood on her clothes.
She was taken by police to a hospital in Auckland, New Zealand, where she underwent surgery and was reunited with her baby. Unfortunately for the new mother, the hospital handed her the one thing she thought she left up in the sky.

Her baby – who is alive – is reported to be doing well!

On Line Dating and Such!

There are two women at work who’ve been single for a few too many months as far as they’re concerned, so they’ve decided to send each other’s details to My Single Friend.com.

This dating website slightly differs from the norm because it allows you and your mates (if they so wish) to send in each other’s details so that you can write a “glowing” reference about each other. I guess it takes away the embarrassment of self-advertisement which sometimes deters single people looking for love.

My Single Friend takes you one step away from telling the world that you’re so lonely and desperate that you’ve got to put in an ad to get a partner… and no, I’m not that narrow minded to believe that all people who go onto dating websites are desperate mingers. I know that a lot of people are shy, they don’t have very active social lives and as a shift worker myself, I know that it’s difficult for people to meet other people when you work all night and sleep all day.

Mr. Fraser – Looking for Love



Comedy Clip from The Real McCoy, BBC 1991-1994

Tomorrow isn’t promised

Actress Natasha Richardson fell down while taking skiing lessons and bumped her head and within hours she was pronounced dead.

One day you’re alive and happy with your whole life ahead of you and the very next day, you’re gone without having had the opportunity to say goodbye, or say thank you, or say I love you.

I'd like to think that I’m going to be able to say my goodbyes and write letters and do a video to be aired at my funeral but that’s just wishful thinking. Chances are whenever I’m swept off the face of this earth, even if I live to be 101, it will still be too soon because life is precious.

Natasha Richardson pictured with her husband Liam Neeson

What Not to Wear

Apart from being a high profile Man-U footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo is also into fashion in a big way. His clothing line is CR7 for obvious reasons.

LOOK AT HIM WITH HIS LITTLE MAN BAG!

Of course the person who flies the highest flag for CR7 is Cristiano's mother Dolores (pictured left).

Anyway, they say if you haven't got anything good to say, don't say anything at all... so I'm choosing not to say anything at all!

I've got a mother, she doesn't always dress according to plan. I have no desire to stir up people's feelings by saying something derogatory about their mum. But oh my good Lord in Heaven, it's hard! It's hard, oh so difficult not to say a word about this ensemble! I mean... I've already said a woman should be happy about her womanly curves. I didn't quite mean... well... you know... !!!

Fondling in Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck and slowly worked his hands down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her smooth bottom and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side and then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

His wife had become quite aroused by his caressing. She said in a loving voice, “that was wonderful darling, just wonderful… why did you stop?”

He said “I found the remote”!

[Courtesy of 'I don't know who... ' I got this email attachment this morning!]

Men in Black

Something about this photograph makes me wish I were Beyonce for a day (or three). All those lovely men marching to my beat, that would be fabulous!



She's been given hell in the press for her dress; but fashion and art has no rhyme or reason! I think it's refreshing that a woman enhances her womanly curves instead of getting her hips Photoshopped to oblivion!

Some people get a bit funny! What... funny ha, ha or funny peculiar?

I went to the cash point this morning. Nothing unusual, but it was the early hours of the morning and it was still quite dark because I'd just finished a night shift so I had my wits about me.

I joined the queue which was as short as a piglet's tail because there was only one woman ahead of me. As I cautiously looked around, I noticed an old lady. She looked quite shifty to me. If she were a teenager wearing a hoodie, I would have been ulta suspicious because I've been brainwashed into thinking anyone wearing a hoodie is up to no good. I've even caught myself acting suspicious simply because I'm wearing a hoodie! Even worse, I regard my children with suspicion if they ever dare to walk into our house with a hood on. I mean, these are my very own flesh and bloody babies - teenagers now - but I'd be very happy to re-count the ten pound notes in my purse if I find them in my house, in hoodie, anywhere near my handbag.

Anyway, lady, acting suspicious, near cash point... I looked at her and she smiled. I gave her a luke-warm smile and then looked away. Now I'm beginning to think she's a gypsy or an asylum seeker waiting for me to key in my pin number and do some kind of banking fraud on me. But then I heard her say I'm in the queue! IN THIS QUEUE? This is what I said in my head but I realised I had to say it out loud and she replied yes. Well I couldn't believe my ears and eyes because this old lady was standing about 10 people away from the cash point. She then said I didn't want to stand too close because people get a bit funny. I said Oh!

I wanted to ask her what in the world was she thinking standing practically across the road waiting to use the cash point in an imaginary queue. I know good and well that people can get "a bit funny" if you're standing too close to them at the ATM, but this old lady had taken it a bit too far for my liking.

In the words of my grandma Florrie Mayfield, I don't agree with your method [old lady at the ATM], but I guess I understand.

Mummy's Boy!

Is your boyfriend or husband a mummy's boy?

As far as you're concerned, is the mother-in-law a witch?

Does he go home to his mum's for dinner when he lives with you?

Does he get his washing done by his ma?

When you ring her house and say to his mother, is my husband there please does she ask WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

Does he constantly complain to his mother about every little thing you do?

Does your boyfriend compare your cooking to that of his mothers' or say that you don't "keep house" like his mother used to?

Does your boyfriend's mother bully you and disrespect you and when you complain to your boyfriend, he blames you and accuses you of being a trouble maker?

Is your mother-in-law a spiteful over-bearing busy body who you dream of tying up and throwing down the cellar stairs?

Well this video is just for you. It's a reminder of how bad things can get when your man... oops, I mean boy is still getting his arse wet-wiped by his mummy!



In the words of Tiger's mother: you know for yourself that you is not good enough for my Tiger.

In the words of August Mayfield, Tiger; I think you're a wanker who's not even good enough for a relationship with a mangey dog with fleas!

An August Moment

I don’t understand people who become unhappy because someone else is happy!

Why would someone's happiness make you sad?

Too Cool for School!

This Adidas party looks just like the party I had for my 30th birthday... NOT!



Unfortunately for Adidas, I've already got a pair of their footwear so I won't be parting with anymore of my well earned cash-money with them for the time being, but the Ad's fab!

Banksy's been at it again

Banksy's work of graffiti art in Dalston, Gillet Square



A work of art by Banksy. This photo was captured in Dalston, east London recently.

Since this photograph was taken, the artwork has unfortunately been vandalised. Some people!

I love Banksy's artwork and his anonymity.

Spotting his creations makes you feel as if you’ve discovered visual intrigue.

Ethnic minorities to get extra Government help to protect them from the recession

That was a headline in the good old Mail.



THE MAIL really love their controversial headlines!

Anyway, where do I sign up?

What's your gut reaction when you see someone with a physical disability?

How do you feel when you see someone with severe burns, or a person in a wheelchair, or someone with a missing limb?

I ask this question for two reasons.

I heard a phone-in on a TV programme about a CBeebies TV presenter who has the lower part of her right arm missing and she doesn't wear a prosthetic. The phone-in raised the question, "does CBeebies presenter Cerrie Burnell's arm scare children? Should she actually be seen on TV? Is she the BBC's way of including minorities? Or should this be the norm?"

I believe ignorant adult responses and prejudices regarding people with disabilities scare children and not necessarily the disability itself. What Cerrie has done is raised awareness about disabilities which I think is a good thing. Some people who called the TV programme said that Cerrie should not be seen on TV because she might give children nightmares. I feel what Cerrie does is give children with disabilities hope. Cerrie's appearance on TV is a good idea. She reinforces the fact that just because she's disabled it doesn't stop her from living her life, presenting on TV and being seen as a human being instead of an unfortunate disabled girl with a missing hand.

The second reason why I raise this question - and this is where my bias comes into play - is because the first person I knew who had a severe physical disability was my cousin Ashley who I met when I was 8 and I took to him straight away. No one in my family explained Ashley's condition and I didn't ask. Ashley lived abroad and I met him on my first holiday to Jamaica and after I met him, I visited him every single day during my six week holiday. I enjoyed Ashley's company because he was bright, incredibly talkative, funny and he always looked happy to see me.

Also, another close family member, my 24 year old nephew has cerebral palsy and is in a wheelchair just like Leon Donegan who's story appears below.

I think the stories regarding Cerrie Burnell and Leon Donegan (pictured) who is an Advertising Student at Coventry University should be heard loud and clear.

See the following link: Leon Donegan's story called I'm Just Like Everybody Else.



Leon Donegan

Sometimes, an innocent trip to the dentist can leave you as High as a Kite!

A few years ago, I had four wisdom teeth removed at the dentist. My dental surgeon advised me to go for a general anesthetic which I was happy to do because my preference was to have the procedure carried out while I was stone cold knocked-out. He told me that I should organise being collected because I'd feel VERY woozy and it was quite likely that I'd never be able to find my way home. I didn't fancy walking the streets of London with my gums bleeding, stepping off the pavement towards oncoming traffic so my sister Sheba came to collect me.

Let's just say I have no recollection of waking up. All I know is that Sheba said that she's never laughed so much in her life. Mainly because I was laughing when I saw her as if I'd taken laughing gas and I was all over the place, talking a whole load of rubbish like I'd lost the plot. She said anyone would have thought the dentist made me smoke Colombian bam-bam!!

Unfortunately, I have a blurred recollection of laughing uncontrollably - it was quite shameful actually because this happened in a waiting room full of people. I also remember telling Sheba I needed to apply my lip-gloss (of all things) and smearing it all over my mouth, nose and cheeks. I think by this time, my my hand/lip co-ordination was a few hours away; which Sheba laughs at to this day.

I believe I was rather reminiscent of the boy in the following video.

Hey Mister... What's your intention?

Ladies, would your preference be for a man to tell you who he is and what he wants from the get go?