Cheers to alcohol! The cause of and answer to all life’s problems

I was driving home from work last night when I saw a drunk woman weaving around on the pavement, making a terrible attempt at lighting her cigarette. She had to stop, lean against a wall to steady herself and then she tried to light the cigarette. I burst out laughing when I saw her take it out of her mouth and put it in again the right way around!

The drunk lady was dressed in office attire so I assume she'd gone for a drink after work. I guess we often go for a quick drink with the intention of getting home while the trains are still running and in one piece. But unfortunately, one drink leads to 12 and the next thing you know, you're woken up fully dressed on the bathroom floor with your knickers around your ankles.

All Change!

Two weeks ago, I decided to cut my hair. I fancied a change. A massive change so I told my hairdresser to take it down low. Real low! My hairdresser Pauline said to me August, do you mean short, I said girl, I mean short, short, short, short, short!

So it's great to see that the gorgeous Halle Berry has taken a leaf out of my book - she's also gone for the chop and is sporting her trade-mark short crop which really suits her gamine features. She's said to have gone for the chop for a film role. Well you know these actor types; ANYTHING FOR THEIR ART DARLING!

2006: Halle Berry with bouncy curls at the “X-Men 3: The Last Stand” premiere at the Cannes Film Festival in France.

That woman could shave her head bald, stick a ginger toupee on back-to-front and still look good!

I'd rather lick my own A***! (You fill in the blank... all my hail Mary's have been used up for this week)

My son said to me this morning mum there’s something wrong with the yoghurt. I said like what?

He said erm, I'm not sure. He said it tastes, erm, mmmmm... cheap!

He then asked me “was it cheap”? I said “yes, it’s an inexpensive brand”. He said “oh, I thought so. Well I’m not eating any more – I’d rather lick my own... [I gave him the ‘mama don’t play’ stare and he stopped talking].

Well between you and me, those yoghurts are staying in the fridge until someone develops an inexpensive palette because I'm not throwing all the yoghurts in the refrigerator away simply because a boy who was born the day before yesterday says they're “cheap”.

That child must think he's the adopted child of Oprah and Steadman who probably buy yoghurt which costs more than ten dollars for a pack of four! He’s a typical Leo, they all think they're frigging rich & regal!

I’m making a stand. The yoghurt can stay there for another six months... or until someone’s stomach’s rumbling to the tune of Malnutrition. Or better still, until someone develops a ‘diverse’ palette. But I'll be damned if I'm throwing them away.

American Violet

The film American Violet is based on a true story.

A 24 year-old single mother of four, living in a small town in Texas becomes the victim of Texas police drug enforcement tactics.

It's not a pretty story!

As bland as a digestive!

Chris the gardener has been doing the gardens in our area for many years. He's really good and full of ideas in terms of maintenance and what shrubs, plants and herbs to grow. He's also incredibly handsome and oh my goodness, he's as toned as a middle weight boxer.

I have to close my blinds when he gets hot and goes topless in the garden otherwise I'm flushed and blowing hot & cold for hours. I took the time to watch him for about seven minutes once and I had to lie down in a dark room for about an hour afterwards.

He's a very quiet man and he's the kind of person who comes to do the gardening with one mission in mind and that's to get the job done.

This morning, I get the impression that Chris was trying to chat me up. I say 'impression' because he was very subtle. I mean... we got talking and at the end of the conversation he asked if I wanted to go out for a drink or a meal one day. But the conversation was a bit strange. I say 'strange' because he talked about eczema, tooth cavities, his dead dog and which dish washer detergent works well on your dishes!

I tried to crack a joke or two and Chris looked at me like I was one of the muppets from the Muppet Show. Our encounter was definitely a Mars/Venus encounter. We were completely on different wave-lengths. I don't dispute the fact that he seems like a lovely man, but he was as bland as A4 paper or a digestive biscuit and the thought of spending an evening socially with him sort of fills me with dread. I also get the impression that my refusal of a date made Chris think he got off lightly because he gave me several funny looks throughout our conversation and Chris raised his eyes to the sky when I said my idea of fun is partying until my clothes are wet with sweat.

After talking for 20 minutes, if you ask me... Chris was glad I said no to his proposal of a date!

I lied and told Chris I was a lesbian so as not to offend him with my refusal to go out on a date, after all I don't want him planting marijuana in the green house and then calling the police on me. He said to me after a few long silent moments "what do you lesbians do?" I said "oh you know, party until our clothes are wet with sweat".

...Officer, I swerved the car to avoid a puppy, but I hit a little boy instead!

A little Turkish boy survives being hit by a car.

You're Fired!

Alan Sugar Needs a Junior Apprentice

The series will see 10 young contenders, five girls and five boys aged 16 to 17 compete to become the winner of the title of the first Junior Apprentice in a five-part series on BBC One next year.

Multimillionaire and self-made businessman, Sir Alan Sugar left school at 16 with no qualifications but he battled his way to the top.

Now he's on the hunt for teenagers aged 16 to 17 who have the same potential.

Candidates from all social backgrounds are being encouraged to apply – whether they're straight A students, from grammar or public school or have no academic qualifications whatsoever.

Sir Alan will guide the candidates through a variety of business tasks to test their entrepreneurial skills and every week, teams will go head to head.

The Junior Apprentice chosen by Sir Alan will win a prize tailored to his or her individual career prospects and worth up to £25,000.

Click here to apply.

What the hell is sex appeal?

It’s certainly something you can’t put your finger on. It’s just a subtle something about someone. It has absolutely nothing to do with looks because some visually challenged people have a whole lot of sex appeal... and funnily enough, the less someone talks and the less they’re animated, the more intriguing and sexually appealing they appear. Sex appeal comes over you like something in the air. Sex appeal makes you want to discover... but not everything because sex appeal leaves you wanting more.

Sex appeal is also very personal. Who and what I think is sexy might turn you off like a warm bowl of pig trotters soaked in vinegar and sprinkled with parsley.

You can try to force it by wearing sexy clothes but that’s too overt. You can try to turn it up by splashing yourself with a heavy scent of perfume or cologne, but that’s rather obvious too. You can even try to turn on the sex by making sexual innuendo's but you just come across as immature and smutty.

I also believe that everyone’s personal taste when it comes to sex appeal is driven by different triggers. For instance, I think Samuel L Jackson has sex appeal, but I don’t think Will Smith has. Will’s kinda cutesy. I like a bit of grrrrr!! You may disagree, but I like grrrrr whereas you might like cute as a button.

I also think Bruce Willis, Denzel Washington and Idris Elba have sex appeal, but I don’t care for Ashton Kutcher, George Clooney or Brad Pitt!

OK, I don’t fancy Brad Pitt... so kill me!

I don’t know what it is but it’s something I will never be able to work out – and maybe that’s a good thing. I guess it’s probably all psychological and I’m sure if I were to dig really deep, I’d find the answer. But I’m not sure I want to go digging deeply.

Reality TV Gone Wrong

Katie Price AKA Jordan AKA Mrs Andre and her husband Peter Andre have lived out their life together on TV. From meeting in I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here to their fly on the wall programme Katie & Peter: The Next Chapter Stateside.

Their very public Love-Fest has turned sour and now they've separated.

People have formed opinions about whose side they're on and what really happened to cause their separation with many people, including the Tabloids stating that Katie Price is a bossy, bitchy, self-obsessed nightmare so she's the bad one and Peter's right to leave her plastic arse!

But I must admit being caught up in this frenzy and speculation about who's right, whose wrong and what's going to happen to this publicity hungry couple.

Right now, Katie and all her AKA's looks like she's going off the rails while Peter looks like a model father. The pictures might tell a lie, but can the camera really lie?

Well I guess it can sometimes. The camera makes me look short and fat and that's a damn lie if you ask me!

Shooo Fly!

Barack is too cool for school!



Having said that Obama's cool for swatting the fly (well the way he did it... plus I'm a fan), I heard a phone-in radio programme today and a woman called up saying that she thought that Barack KILLING a fly on TV just goes to show that he's a cold hearted murderer! She was serious.

I guess there really are some people out there who have compassion for a sh*t eating fly. It just goes to show that who ever you are and what ever you do, someone, somewhere will disapprove of "normal" behaviour.

Calvin Klein... way too sexy!

Well that's what Calvin Klein have been told by the Advertising Standards Authority.

Apparently some of their ads have been deemed unsuitable for TV and too X-Rated for bill boards.

Yes, I agree, the Calvin Klein adverts are very sexy, but they're not stupid or new to this game, they know that sex sells.

The ads are eye catching - everyone can appreciate the aesthetics of a beautiful body. The adverts make you wish that you were either like that or with that or makes you remember when you looked something like that or makes you aspire to be like that or next to that!

Still with me?

So Calvin Klein are hoping that if you wear a pair of their panties or their bra or mens briefs, pants and shorts, you too will feel as sexy as a Calvin Klein model.

An August Moment

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.

56 Stars tattooed on a girl's face...

...by mistake!

Eighteen-year-old Belgian, Kimberley Vlaminck is suing a tattoo artist for £10,000 after she allegedly asked him for three stars on her face - but ended up with 56.

She said she fell asleep while he was doing his work... and awoke to 'this nightmare'.

Tattoo Artist, Rouslan Toumaniantz (pictured right) told reporters that he would help pay for treatment to remove the tattoos although he insists that she absolutely agreed that I tattoo 56 stars on the left side of her face. He also said Kimberley was happy with the tattoos but changed her mind when her father saw the stars.

Tattooed Face News Report



What do you think? Did Kimberley get what she asked for but then changed her mind after her father saw her or do you think the Tattoo Artist took advantage of her because she fell asleep?

An August Thought

If you don't like
the way it looks,
stop
looking
at it!

Don't come to me with your begging bowl!

My children decided to have heart-failure this morning because we ran out of milk. I say the word we ran out of milk when I really mean they ran out of milk.

I didn’t run out of anything!

So two hungry boys stood at the open fridge devastated with full bowls of dry cereal. Where’s the milk they asked. I said I don’t know. Maybe if someone mentioned to me that it was almost finished, I might have been able to replenish the stock. But oh no. It’s a big secret. The milk’s almost finished and no one says a word. Children are expecting the milk fairy to miraculously make a delivery.

Well I resign from the position of Milk Fairy. They're on their own from this day forward. If they're old enough for mobile phones, internet access and man-sized meals, they're old enough to take care of the milk situation.

I said to them "from now on, I’m not responsible for the milk. If you need milk, go and get it yourself. If you haven’t got enough money, get a job. This is your first lesson in responsibility. Now get out of my kitchen with your begging bowls."

The grass isn't always greener on the other side!

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass. In the process, we end up in trouble... and when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember...



Not everyone who shows up... is there to help you!!!!

Something's Missing!

My friend Reggie said to me yesterday that something was missing in his life. He said when he's at work, he feels as if he should be running his own business. When he's at home, he feels like he should be out. When he's out, he feels like he should be at home. When he's around his friends, he wishes he had peace and quiet. When he's sitting alone, he wishes he was with someone. When he's abroad, he wishes he travelled with someone else. When he's back from his trip, he wishes he were abroad. When he's with his girlfriend, he feels like he ought to be single. When he ends his relationship with her (which he's done three times), he thinks that he can't live without her.

He said "boo, hoo, hoo! August, something's missing in my life". I said "Reggie, maybe you're missing. Has it ever occurred to you that you're the problem?"

I told him we have one common denominator here and that thing is YOU. I said Reggie, you're unsatisfied in every situation you put yourself in. I also told him that I've noticed that he's turned into some kind of Benjamin Button character - loosely based I must add!! I said Reg, I met you as a man and you seem to be turning into a boy. Afraid of making decisions, afraid of taking chances, afraid of making plans and afraid of being a man.

I've known Reggie for about eight years now and I know he's had some knock-backs; but they're life's knock-backs. The curve-balls that are thrown in our direction which make us stronger or render us temporarily unsteady. But in Reggie's case, he's been blessed with a good job, a bright and beautiful girlfriend, he's financially very stable, he's got a close-knit family and some really good friends.

I suggested that he may be suffering from depression or a mid-life crisis, but whatever it is, I said Reggie, grow some balls, get some help and sort yourself out!

He knows exactly where I am when he needs me.

Dishonourable Behaviour

Some of our MPs ought to hang their heads in shame; using tax payers' money to feather their opulent nests!

The Government's got a frigging cheek to show adverts on a daily basis like the one by The Department for Work & Pensions. They want the general public to rat on each other if they suspect someone's defrauding the "system". The DWP even go on to say "those who steal benefits are picking the pockets of tax-payers". What a joke! I suppose it's OK for the Right Honourable Members of Parliament to push their big, dirty, jammy, greedy claws into our pockets.

To think that me, August-Two-Jobs, my tax contribution is helping to support the upperclass lifestyle of a Member of Parliament who should be doing good work on behalf of their ordinary and hard-working, law abiding constituents!

The way some of the greedy MPs have behaved is disgraceful.

To think that pensioners go to prison for not paying their Council Tax.

Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame!


Also, because of all this misconduct, the British National Party are rubbing their hands together because people have thought about voting for them as opposed to the other popular parties. Well if the BNP want to "send me back to where I come from", I'd quite happily go back to Battersea. I quite liked it there!

Kids are too grown these days!

Two eight year olds at a garden party, one eight year old says to the other "there's a condom inside the gazebo". The other eight year old says "what's a gazebo"?

Are you mad?

I've just read in my local free Guardian Newspaper that in the last three years, eleven mental patients have escaped from the Psychiatric unit about five minutes away from my house. This is not good news!

There are too many crazy people living outside the nut house much less the people who've been sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

I know I'm being paranoid and my paranoia is leading to ignorance and insensitivity but I said to my neighbour that one escapee is one too many.

After all, it's not as if they're wearing straight jackets, carrying signs that say I'VE LOST MY MIND, DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS? I'm never going to be able to recognise a patient from a packet of peanuts.

Maybe it’s a good thing that the Mental Health Unit is just around the corner from where I live. If I ever loose my mind, I won’t have far to go. I know for sure that most of us are one crisis away from a nervous breakdown, it can happen to anyone at any time.

Maybe if I loose my mind and get captured, I’ll climb over the hospital's low perimeter wall and come home for a cup of tea and no one will be any the wiser.

Doctor, Doctor!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said: "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE - YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, IS THAT RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room turned around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied: "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Triplet gives birth to Triplets

A 23 year old triplet, Amber Ali from Detroit, gave birth to her very own triplets; three little boys!

Amber named her babies Amir, Armann and Amari.

I guess I can confidently say "like mother, like daughter"!



I'm very much like my mother. Thank God in Heaven Mrs Mayfield didn't have triplets. She's a bossy boots and has big feet - ME TOO! I'm happy to live with that kind of inheritance.

The August Mayfield Diaries

Is it a Duppy, a Ghost or a Mouse?

When I was working late a couple of nights ago, my son called me at work and said he thought he heard a noise in the kitchen. He said it sounded like a mouse because he heard what sounded like claws tapping on the kitchen floor... Read More

The Hangover Trailer

I've had some alcohol induced awful, raucous, shameful, wish-I-could-forget nights out with the ladies in my time, but The Hangover takes it to a whole new level.



I can't wait to see this!

An August Moment

If you're talking,

when you really should be listening,

you should listen.

Oh Marshall, don't be a big-baby!

Eminem became the butt of Sascha Baron Cohen's character Bruno's joke at the 2009 MTV Awards.



Bruno gets 10 out of 10 for an accurate landing!!

If I were one of Eminem's bald-headed heavies, my stomach would have been too cramped with laughter to make an attempt to wrestle Bruno off. I'd have been sacked on the spot!

How Very Dare You!

I ran into an old friend who was initially an enemy yesterday.

He came into enemy territory when I was 15. He was the first boy to "violate" me. He pinched my bottom and this was the first time that something like that had ever happened to me. His pinch filled me with outrage and also confirmed something my mother had been saying to me for a while. She told me that now that I was a teenager, I'd be attracting all sorts of trouble "especially with that big backside of yours".

She said in many different words that I ought to cover my bottom at all times or I'll get myself into trouble. But oh no, I wanted to look cute. I wanted to wear tight jeans and teeny, tiny tops. This was all good and well, but I wasn't ready for inappropriate tampering.

So when Trevor pinched my bum, I turned the air all shades of blue. He asked me out twice after that and on the second occasion, I told him that I'd rather eat dog **** with chop-sticks!

I cut my eyes at him for ages afterwards but as time went on, we became friends and if he ever took a liking to my bottom after that, he kept his hands firmly to himself.

I must say... if he attempted to pinch my bum yesterday, I may have turned the other cheek!