An August Moment

If you remain sincere in your interactions with others, you will naturally come to find yourself surrounded by good friends. If you find yourself surrounded by bad friends and insincere friendships, you need to question yourself.

A one minute and 57 second lesson on how NOT to abuse your wife

DON'T PLAY WITH JUDGE JUDY!



There!! Nice, quick & to the point.

Say that again Please

I just love compliments. I don't mean the ones that are obvious bullsh*t, I mean the ones that are heartfelt and come out of nowhere. Compliments mean a lot when you're going about your daily mundane business and someone tells you that your hair looks fab or you smell gorgeous, or when someone says to you "you're absolutely glowing - have you been on holiday"?

Gimme more!!

I went to my parents house today and their next door neighbour said to me I love the way you always come bearing gifts when you come to see your mum and dad, I'd love to have a daughter like you. How fab!! I was litarally squeezing my ego through my mum and dad's narrow doorway. His words made me feel valued.

I think it's best he doesn't know about me sneaking out of my mum and dad's house to rave when I was 14 or the terrible day when my dad had to collect me from the police station at 2 in the morning when I was 16. I was in the right place at the right time, but simply on the wrong day! Nor will I mention the time when I crashed my dad's car and he had to pay for the damage - my dad looked at me like I was a common criminal for about 10 years after that event.

The August Mayfield Diaries

Stop Being A Bitch

I've had quite a good friendship with my mate Charlie for many years. He's a good bloke. My group of friends met his group of friends at a barbecue and initially, he wanted a leg over, but I pushed him into the glass case that says Emergency F*** Buddy in Cabinet, Break Glass to Release. Many years have gone by and I've never had the need to use the axe swinging on a chain to break the glass and never will. Charlie strictly belongs in the friend zone but he still insists that he might be in there with a chance one of these days. Well not while I'm conscious and breathing. I just don't see him that way.

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An August Thought

Whether you want to change a little or a lot, the choice is yours. But why not start today?

I would have said yes simply for effort!

A love-struck pensioner travels 130 miles in wheelchair to propose to his girlfriend.

The pensioner travelled miles to propose to a 66-year-old widow he'd met on holiday but unfortunately, after travelling for four days, when he asked for her hand in marriage, she said NO. What a cow!!

On his way home, the 67 year old German man had to be rescued by police after his wheelchair got caught up in a corn-field and he was sent flying. He made the call from his mobile and explained to the police that he stopped off at the corn-field because he was hungry. When the police offered him a lift home, he refused telling them that he wanted to be alone with his thoughts.

Ahh, what a sad story.

The Appliances have gone on Strike!

Which Union visited my house in the middle of the night and ordered my appliances to go on strike?

On Saturday, the washing machine decided it was going to have a nervous breakdown. It was trying its best to imitate a revving Harley-Davidson. I don't mind the noise, so long as it washes the clothes clean, but oh no. That's too much to ask for. It's making loud noises, shaking the house like an earth-quake and not emptying the water. This is obviously not a good thing. So I've got clean clothes, but they're wringing wet and that's no good to me.

On Sunday, the vacuum cleaner decides it's going to blow instead of suck. This can't work in my household. I'm one of those evil people who kill insects with the vacuum cleaner and I can't have my carpet covered in a graveyard of moths, spiders and bugs. Broken legs, detatched wings and bug corpse on the carpet is not a good look!

So it's Monday now and I'm thinking... these sons of b*tches come in threes don't they. Well I need to wash my hair right about now, but I'm afraid to turn on the hairdryer just in case it's part of the "Union". I don't want to attempt to blow-dry my hair and then wake up dazed & confused on the floor A.K.A. the insect's graveyard, with no hair and skin like crispy bacon.

Separated at Birth

Little Richard & Prince

An August Moment

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Luke 23:34

THE AUGUST MAYFIELD INTERPRETATION:

Even though someone who you probably once loved and truly cared about, maybe even looked up to and valued did something truly awful to you, betrayed you and took you for a fool and hurt your feelings, made you cry for days and you had to take to your bed because of the mere shock – FORGIVE THEM.

You can’t always account for some people’s heartlessness or stupidity so forgive them for being stupid, selfish and insensitive; it’s probably not their fault.

So forgive them, wish them well, move on and live your best life!

The August Mayfield Diaries

HE HATE ME

I met Kevin a couple of years ago. He was a friend of my friend Claudia and he seemed like a nice enough friendly guy. Definitely not dating material or anything of the sort. He had about 100 children for 100 different partners, but fairly personable on our first meeting all the same.

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Her little bundle of joy was a nasty shock!

These words are an oxymoron!

I like oxymorons. I even like the definiton of the word oxymoron, but my friend Jade was hit squarely in the face by this particular oxymoron; simply because she came face-to-face with her grand-daughter who happens to be three weeks old and she didn't even know that her son had a baby on the way.

The baby and the baby's mother turned up on her doorstep to introduce themselves and my friend let them in but had to excuse herself to take in a large swig of Courvoisier to calm her nerves.

It turns out that everyone and his wife knew about this baby apart from the adults. My children knew because they're close friends with Jade's son. Their friends knew because they're a part of the circle. Even the man in the news agents knew because he so happens to be the uncle of the baby on the mothers' side! Still with me?

Well I don't mind an oxymoron like 'a brave coward' or 'an ugly adonis' or even 'a tall dwarf', but please God, don't give me a bundle of joy as a shock or I might have to reach for the happy pills and that would lead to no end of trouble & strife.

I wonder if the phrase "young grandma" is an oxymoron?

Dear Agony Aunt...

This was a genuine question to an Agony Aunt in a newspaper:

I've been with my boyfriend for six months. We're both 34 and I am fairly sure he's "The One".

The other night we ended up having a conversation about how many lovers we'd had. He told me he'd slept with 8 women and suddenly I felt nervous about confessing the truth - I had a lot of flings at university and in my first job at an Advertising Agency, so my tally is closer to 40. But I found myself saying 10 and even then he looked horrified!

I hate being untruthful with him, but don't want to be judged either. What should I do?

This is my unsolicited advice:

What the hell are you thinking Miss Aged 34? ARE YOU CRAZY?

You’re as crazy as your boyfriend giving him answers to dumb arsed questions! He’s crazy to ask in the first place and you’re both crazy to enter into that kind of dialogue. Anyway, enough with the crazy. A woman must never, ever EVER tell a man how many sexual partners she’d had because whatever the amount, it’s still too many.

I just don’t understand why men think it’s a good idea to be told how many men have been “there” before him. That’s just ridiculous. No good will come of it!

Men should stick to questions like ‘do you have pets because I'm allergic to cats’, or 'is your ex an axe murderer or an accountant' or ‘do you like red or white wine’, or maybe even ‘is your body naturally toned or do you work out’? But to ask how many guys you’ve slept with is a dumb question which should be met with the words don’t ask and if you ask me again, you’re gonna find us in the middle of a major misunderstanding.

I go through Liverpool Street Station on a regular basis...

...I wish I was there when this happened

The T-Mobile Dance

You're ruining my shot

This squirrel decided to set up his tripod at Lake Minnewanka in Banff National Park, Canada to pose for this photograph.

He must have been horrified to find that Melissa Brandts and her husband were posing in the background.

Just as the the squirrel was about to say "cheese", the cheeky couple jumped in the shot - see look at them laughing. I'm surprised they didn't do the "bunny rabbit ears" thing on the poor squirrel!

Sharon Stone - Topless at 51...

...and proud!

I see absolutely nothing wrong with a woman who is proud of her body - at any age and size - and not afraid to flaunt it. In fact, that's my aspiration. I plan to spend the next few months pushing and pummelling my body until I can look in the mirror and say wow! I'm actually looking forward to the challenge.

I'm sick & tired of looking at other people and saying wow. It's my turn now.

I love exercise, so this shouldn't be a problem. The only problem is watching what I eat because I love food more than exercise.

So I applaud Sharon Stone, who at 51 looks sexy, confident and fabulous.

Watch out for photographs of me next year posted on The August Mayfield Diaries with me wearing bondage gear and two stars on my bazooka's!

Darling... will you marry me?

Erm!!!!

Erm is not an answer!

"Can I think about it" is not the answer either.

I think there's been a misunderstanding!

You see, 10 years ago, my friend Mel said that if neither one of us are loved-up and married by August 2009, he's going to propose to me and because I was so cock-sure that some gorgeous man would have snapped me up yonks ago, I said to Mel cool, you're on, no problem, I'll definitely say yes if neither one of us are hitched by August 2009.

I had NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER of saying yes. Mel is like a brother to me so that would be an incestuous marriage, plus he tells me everything - stuff that'd make your eyes water or dial 999 - on top of that, he's got a deviant and insatiable sexual appetite (he's told me some horror stories), he's bossy, a major risk-taker, a bit of a nomad, I've lost count of how many children he has, he's bad-tempered and vain! Cool for a best friend but not husband material thank-you-very-much! I mean I love him, "but not like that".

So August 13th (unlucky for some) comes along, 10 years on from our marriage proposition and Mel says to me did you remember? Well of course I didn't. But I said yes, of course I remembered... hoping that whatever I was supposed to remember would come flooding back to me during our conversation. So he said OK then, put your glad-rags on, we're going to The Mandarin at 7 o'clock; bring an over-night bag.

I said OK, what's this about. He said you really don't remember do you! I said no, but please don't beat about the bush, I'm covered in Immac.

He said you b*tch. We're supposed to be getting married... and that's when I said erm and he shouted erm is not an answer!

The August Mayfield Diaries

Celebrate, Celebrate and Celebrate Again!

August is my favourite month of the year; my celebratory month! August is my namesake for good reason – it's always a special month for me. My parents were married in August 1963. I also came along many Augusts later. My youngest son was born in August and my Godson Trae was also born in August so August is THE BOMB.

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I guess that wasn't supposed to happen...

...but you ought to know someone's gonna get hurt when you become violent around a large pane of glass.

A man and his girlfriend were having an argument outside the store Banana Republic in London’s Regent Street.

Apparently, in the heat of the argument, the man decided to slam his girlfriend several times against the shop window but he used too much force and they both fell through the glass.

A shard of broken glass severed the man’s artery and he bled to death at the scene.

The woman was taken to hospital for treatment to cuts and grazes but she didn’t sustain any serious injury.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: surely you already know the moral of this story!! You don’t need me to say another word.

Sweet 16

My youngest child is 16 today.

Good... I'm glad. He's got his National Insurance Number now, so he can legally go out there and get a part-time job to supplement his student and teenage lifestyle.

My purse/wallet/pocket-book and bank account is closed.

If he needs a large injection of cash, he's got grandparents and a dad.

Thank You God, Allah, Buddha, The Universe and All Involved

I'm lucky enough to be celebrating another year on this earth.

I'm content, happy & healthy. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

I'll be going to Harmony Leigh Lawrence's Christening today. Harmony will be turning one tomorrow and she's a brave and courageous Leo who burst into this world, initially giving everyone a fright but she faught for her life and won. It's great to be celebrating my birthday in a special way with a special group of friends.

Anyway, I'll take this opportunity today to at least ask the pastor at the Christening to pray for me and ask the Lord to forgive me for all of my sins, most of which took place on Friday.

The End

Isn't it annoying when you've been watching a TV programme for an hour and a half and right at the last minute, when the final words are being spoken, or you're supposed to find out who the killer is or who wrote 'that' letter or who poisoned the dog, you miss the final words because some pain in the arse rings the doorbell or the phone rings or someone comes into the room and makes a loud noise and you miss it.

That happened to me yesterday. My son burst into the living room and said have you seen my keys and completely drowned out the TV in the last few seconds of the programme. I shouted at the TV, WHAT DID HE SAY? And then I shouted at my son. "See what you did."

"It's bad enough that you gave me stretch marks and suck away all my money like a sponge, but even when I'm relaxing, you kill my TV programme."

Well of course, said child looked at me as if I were mental!

Go SHORTY, it's your birthday... we're gonna party like it's your birthday

I'm afraid, very afraid! I'm going out with nine of my closest female friends/family today to celebrate my birthday which so happens to be on Sunday.

Our intention is to go out for cocktails and then have a nice meal and end the night partying but God only knows how the night will 'really' end.

I just hope I get home with both shoes on.

The last time I went out for cocktails, I lost a shoe but found a gold watch! I sold the watch and bought another pair of shoes so win-win!!

Anyway, pray for me and let's hope that I'm well behaved, well looked after and well merry when the night ends.

The August Mayfield Diaries

LeRoie leaned on the Closet Door and Fell Out!

My cousin is gay, but for some reason he chose to stay in the closet for over 30 years. I use the term "stayed in the closet" very loosely because it's been quite obvious since he was about seven that he was gay. I'm the type of person who doesn't like stereo typing at all. I believe boys should be allowed to play with dolls and girls should be allowed to play football. I don't mean forced to, but if they so wish. But on this occasion, if there was an archetypal gay black man, LeRoie (pronounced Leroy) would be it. In every way using every cliché.

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Reach, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

OK, I've decided that I don't like the idea of three bellies so I'm back on the aerobics tip. I started my new routine on Tuesday morning and it's now Thursday and I can't walk. I'm in PAIN.

1) My legs are hurting.

2) My butt's hurting.

3) My back's hurting.

4) My shoulders are hurting.

5) My arms are hurting.

6) My hair's all a frizz with the sweating.

But I'm cool. No pain, no gain.

I can't think of anything better than a large slice of chocolate fudge cake and a big glass of wine to wash it down with and if I'm going to live like that, I'd better get exercise on my side.

Either that or get used to three bellies.

What would you do if you saw the man of your dreams?

You make eye contact.

You may even smile.

If you're brave enough, you might even say hello.

On the day that you're feeling ultra-confident, you may even strike up a conversation!

I mean what's the worst that could happen?

I saw the man of my dreams today.

He stood tall. About 6ft 2. He had incredibly handsome features. He was wearing motor-bike leathers and he was holding a big shiny black helmet.

He saw me and smiled and I smiled back.

Instead of holding his stare, I scurried off like a frightened mouse.

I did NOT keep eye contact.

I did NOT say hello.

I didn't even PRETEND TO BE ULTRA-CONFIDENT and strike up a conversation!

I could have said anything from discussing the weather to how good he looked in leather! But oh no. Off I ran like a dew-foot girl.

I saw him again, about 10 minutes later on down the road. So opportunity number 2 strikes again and... what did I do? Scurried off like a frightened little mouse.

What the hell is wrong with me? He was gorgeous.

I'm so good at giving out sound advice about confidence, but when it comes to me... I may as well be sitting in the corner wearing a big white pointy hat with D for damn stupid on it.

Joke Time

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my drink and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod!!

Sex for Sale....20% discount for the unemployed!

I saw my local prostitute today. I live near a Red Light area - which is no problem for me. When money gets tight and I need to make a bit of loose change, I've not got far to go. In fact, I could probably do punters in the shed in the back garden. I've got it all planned. Anyway... where was I?

Oh yes, Maggie, the local prostitute did her usual. Asked me for cigarettes, a quick look in my little vanity mirror and a blob of hand-cream (after years of begging me for stuff, she knows the contents of my handbag) and she said her usual "what's cooking"?

Right in the middle of our deep conversation (she was explaining the merits of being self employed), Maggie ran into the bushes. I looked around thinking I wonder if I'm missing something here because I'm sure I was just talking to Maggie and then I saw a police van driving up the hill. Well Maggie must of smelt them coming because I didn't see the van until it was about 50 yards down the road! When it was safely in the distance, she re-appeared, a bit dishevelled and dusting leafs off her mini skirt! She said those f****** w*******s! I can smell 'em a mile off.

Well that was my cue to get going. I had no business waiting around for the police car to do a U-turn and accuse me of soliciting. The shame of it! Plus I was thinking, if I got strip-searched by some over-zealous police officer in the back of the van, my underwear didn't match and I'd be quite embarrassed being violated wearing pink polka dot knickers and a blue bra. I may have hung around if I were wearing matching Victoria's Secret.

Sunday Sermon

All lies, all treachery, all evil deeds STINK, you can cover them up for a while... but the smell never really goes away.