A very reserved table reservation

I went out for a fabulous meal for my sister's birthday yesterday.

14 of us went to a lively Far-Eastern restaurant & cocktail bar. They're often fully booked so my sister booked the table and paid a deposit about a month in advance.

When they sent my sister the confirmation email, they also issued my sister with a list of do's and don't (they must have seen us coming) and advised her to forward the rules to her dinner guests so that everybody was well aware of the restaurant 'Protocol'!

Their list made a few points very clear:



I must say, despite the long list of rules and regulations, we had a really good night. The food was excellent, the cocktails were just the right amount of potency, the staff were incredibly friendly and my sister received a complimentary bottle of champagne which came with a sparkling fire-work!

So as much as I want to complain about the do's and don'ts, sadly, I have nothing to bitch about! Apart from the fact that I'm feeling a little rough today; but nothing a bacon sandwich and a can of coke can't sort out.

Say Cheese!

Sometimes, we pose for pictures and when we see the end result, someone's done bunny rabbit ears behind us or our eyes are closed when the flash goes off.

Sometimes, we notice something like our hair sticking up or the buttons on our shirts done up all wrong.

But this picture takes us to a whole new level!

Bootylicious

So 12 weeks in the gym has finally paid off. I'm now the proud owner of a behind so fine, I thought I'd show you the pictures!



Alright, I'm lying. As you can see, it's not my butt at all, but a piece of processed meat.



Destiny's Child - Bootylicious

If you don't laugh, you'll cry

I was talking to the Newspaper Vendor this afternoon and asked about his daughter who used to be in the same class as my son when they were in primary school. I wanted to know if she'd gone on to seek further education or if she'd decided to go out there and look for a job.

The Newspaper Vendor said "oh that silly bloody cow. That stupid Moo! I've had nothing but problems with that girl since she turned 13. As soon as that girl grew big bazooka's, she turned into a little tramp! Well she's seven months pregnant right now and to top it all off, she doesn't know who the father is".

I said to The Newspaper Vendor, "I'm so sorry to hear that but you can't call your one and only daughter a tramp, I mean... " and he said to me "if that's what she is love, that's what she is. And I know she's mine and all and I love her to pieces and I'd do anything for her but I've been telling her mother for years THAT GIRL'S SO BLOODY EASY TO PULL, SHE'S LIKE A CHRISTMAS CRACKER"!

I waited for a few seconds and then I couldn't hold it in anymore; I burst out laughing. Unfortunately, The Newspaper Vendor didn't initially see the funny side of it and then he gave me a big smile and then said "if you don't laugh love, you'll cry".

Find me the Shoe Whisperer

My shoes are killing me and it’s only 11 o’clock in the morning!

I wore a new pair of new shoes to work today. Well these sons-of-b*tches should have been broken-in like a wild horse.

I need the Shoe Whisperer! Someone to tame them, soften them and sooth them into not behaving like they’re trying to eat my feet with crocodile teeth.

Why is it that all beautiful things seem to give the most trouble?

Beautiful women = the world owes them a favour

Beautiful men = well... wild horses. They need a Man Whisperer

Beautiful children = spoilt

Beautiful flowers = stick you with their thorns

Beautiful countries = expensive, romantic, heart-breaking; tragic - wish I never left South London in the first place!

Beautiful food = makes you fat

Beautiful champagne = nothing wrong with that!!

Beautiful jewellery = you’re just a mugging waiting to happen

Beautiful hairstyles = high maintenance

Beautiful handbags = £1,000 a piece

Beautiful music = either makes you want to dance even when you can’t dance or makes you want to cry and ruins your mascara

Beautiful shoes = full of invisible crocodile teeth

Maybe I ought to invest in some corrective orthopaedic shoes. You know the kind of shoes that make you say “aahhhh” and do a little wee in your pants when you put them on.

That way I can walk around town without my dogs barking. After all, it’s not a pretty look to wince every step you make.

What’s a girl to do? Wear come to bed shoes or special needs shoes?

Why oh why is looking like a hot sensuous mama so painful?

Sexy Voices in my Ear

Michael leaves me all a fluster and weak at the knees. Michael’s a graphics operator in my company’s New York Office and we speak to each other about three times a week. We’re never on the phone for longer than five minutes at a time because it’s normally a quick conversation to clarify a small detail. But Oh My Days… Michael has the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard in my whole life.

Strangely enough, he only has this effect on me because my other colleagues don’t get it! But there’s something deep and velvety about his dulcet tones that turns me on and I can’t get enough of it.

Just thinking about the effect he has on me makes me blush!

I know nothing about Michael. I don’t know his age. I don’t know his race. I don’t know if he’s married or single. I don’t know anything about this man apart from where he works and the time he gets in and the time he goes home. THAT’S IT. And quite frankly, I don’t want to know anything about him. If I find out something about him that I don’t like, it would break the spell.

Recently, our conversations have become a little bit more friendly and familiar which scares me because I don’t want to ruin the magic. Nor do I want to spoil it for him.

He might imagine that I look like Naomi Campbell when in fact… I don’t! Or he might think I’m in my 20s when in fact… I’m not. Nor do I want to think he looks like Lenny Kravitz when in fact he looks more like Mike Tyson.



Well all I can say is Michael leaves me all a tingle and I always look forward to when we speak. I just pray that he doesn’t get a transfer to our London office.

Or maybe in a dream world, that would be ideal!

I just don’t know what the devil has happened to me. I obviously need to get out a bit more. I need to get a life instead of fantasizing about work colleagues with sexy voices on the phone.

911... this is an emergency

A Michigan Police Officer and his wife used marijuana which was confiscated from a drug bust to make chocolate brownies.

Unfortunately for the officer and his wife, the marijuana sent them tripping!

This cartoon video - which is almost unbelievable - is the actual call that the police officer made to the Dearborn, Michigan Emergency 911 call centre...

The Un-usual Suspect

My aunt was pick-pocketed in the bank.

She didn’t notice her purse was missing until she stood outside the bank to get her gloves out of her handbag and she noticed that her zip was undone and her bag was unusually wide open. The open bag aroused her suspicion so she frantically searched her bag for her purse and it was missing.

Then it all came back to her consciousness. She remembered as she was leaving the bank, an old lady sneezed but while she sneezed, she jolted forward and bumped into my aunt. The old lady started apologising profusely and made a big show of waving a floral hanky around and blowing her nose. At the same time, two other women came towards the old lady and there was a bit of a commotion going on. All this fuss must have been the time when my aunt’s concentration was diverted to something other than her handbag.

My aunt was so mad at being pick-pocketed that she ran straight back into the bank and grabbed the old lady by the lapels. Everybody gasped because my aunt, who’s not small, looked as if she was attacking a defenseless little grey haired old lady and as my aunt shook the lady by her lapels and said where’s my ****** purse, the purse fell on the floor!

When the old lady was apprehended by some of the members of staff, she took a screw-driver out of her pocket and stabbed the bank manager in the back of the his hand and spat at him.

Old ladies ain't what they used to be!

Honey, is it too late to back-track?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Find me a Safe Place to Cry

About a year ago, I allowed a stupid idiot to slip through the net and hurt my feelings with a severe act of betrayal. It hurt even deeper because I went against my gut feeling of being wary when people appear disingenuous. The lesson I learned is to trust my gut feeling without a shadow of a doubt. But last year, I exposed myself to lies; I was taken advantage of and made a fool out of and I was so incredibly angry, bitter, frustrated and hurt that I needed a private place to cry. I had to be strategic with the time and place because I knew it was going to be a crying session which was going to last all night long.

Read more ...

Viagra for Women

We’ll call it She-agra for now!

Flibanserin is a drug that failed tests as an antidepressant but it has an interesting side effect. In trials to see if the drug worked for depression, Flibanserin instead did wonders for women's flagging sex drive despite doing nothing to lift the mood.

The accidental discovery has surprised scientists just like Viagra did because Viagra’s original intention was for patients with heart problems.

I guess men will be grinding up tablets of She-agra and sprinkling it on everything like grains of salt.

I wish men would believe it when they’re told that we don’t need little ‘pink’ pills. A woman’s sex drive will shoot through the roof when:

(1) Men do housework (wear an apron and nothing else)

(2) When you pour us a large vodka accompanied by a tray full of Belgian chocolates

(3) Buy us a pair of Jimmy Choos

(4) If you hand over all of your credit cards without a spending limit – we’ll tend to your needs once we’ve been shopping

(5) If you tell us over and over again that we’re hotter than a pot of peppers. Please say these words without insisting on twiddling our bosoms and placing your hands on our genitals!

Maxwell's Pretty Wings

I fell in love with Maxwell many years ago.

I don't like him so much anymore. He chooses to ignore me and it dampens my passion. He won't return any of my calls, when he sees me, he pretends he doesn't know me and he refuses to acknowledge my love and affection.

I know somewhere in the corner of his heart, he feels something for me because I'm sure this song was written for me!

Maxwell's "Pretty Wings"


Maxwell - Pretty Wings (Official Music Video) - Click here for this week’s top video clips

You’re under arrest for singing!

I was stopped by the police this morning. I won’t lie to you. I wasn’t arrested but if Bad Cop had his way, I’d be finger printed and taking a mug shot right now. I saw the lights flashing on the police car and pulled over to let them through and low and behold they gestured for me to stop. I couldn’t believe it. Good thing I wasn’t putting on my mascara or painting my nails!

The police said they’re stopping me for being on the mobile phone.

I wasn’t on the phone. My phone was in my handbag, but it was obvious that the police were going to hold up the traffic and try to embarrass me into admitting that I was in fact on the phone when I wasn’t.

Good Cop asked me if I knew that it was an offense to use a mobile phone while driving and I said yes. Bad Cop then said well it’s a bit idiotic for you to be on the phone then isn’t it madam. I said to Bad Cop it’s presumptuous of you to think I was on the phone when I wasn’t and when you’re talking about idiots, you ought to address yourself because you’re going to find at the end of this conversation that the only idiot here is you. (I like to take the indignant stance when I know I’m right!)

The police took my details and had me standing in the rain asking dumb-arse questions. Good Cop then said we saw you talking in an animated way. I said I was singing. I always sing in the car so yes you might have seen my lips moving but I wasn’t on the phone. Bad Cop said to me what were you singing? Myself and Good Cop looked at Bad Cop as if he was bonkers. I said to Bad Cop ARE YOU SERIOUS? You’re joking... right? He laughed realising how stupid his question was. I said look. My phone’s in my bag. I sing when I’m driving. I wasn’t on the phone. It's pouring with rain and I’m getting wet. Have you got any more questions because I need to go now. Good Cop apologised and I gave Bad Cop the dirtiest look my eyes could manage and I got back in the car not feeling very much like singing anymore.

Maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t hear me singing because my voice is an arrestable offence! Back in the day when I used to try to sing my babies to sleep, they'd stay awake laughing their little heads off!

Fried, dyed and laid to the side!

Black women's hair is a billion dollar industry. One of the reasons for this is the huge sums of money spent on the desire to alter the hair texture to allow the freedom to change hairstyles frequently.

Changing the texture of naturally thick and tightly curled hair requires either 'pretend' hair (sewing, gluing and pinning on) or the use of a lot of products, some of which can be damaging and with all these changes, you need regular visits to the hairdressers to maintain 'the look'.

And as any black woman knows, going to the hairdressers can be an all day event. Whatever you're doing that day... cancel it because it's not gonna happen!

If the whole world was in a recession, the only people still making money would be anyone involved in the making and selling of black women's hair products.

I said to my son, "boy if you want to be rich with a trailer load of female fans, don't sing, don't play football, don't go for the white collar thing. Simply learn how to relax hair and apply weaves"!



The boy says he wants to be an architect! Well I said to him "don't say I didn't warn you son. You'd be as rich as a rock-star if only you got a first-class degree in chemistry and came up with the magic formula for a pain-free no burn Relaxer".

He said what do you want me to do mother, style your hair or build you a house? If I'm not mistaken, he looked at me as if I was shallow.

Trailer for Chris Rock's New Movie "GOOD HAIR"

Strangely enough, some of the happiest black women are the ones who have freed themselves from the prison of hair chemicals!

Blog: Heir Today, or even Hair Today... Gone Tomorrow!

The Moral of the Story...

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Fast Train to Hell

Well maybe not on this occasion!



Hopefully, if you're going out for a drink tonight, you won't end up as trolleyed as this!

Remember, today is not a lucky day considering it's Friday the 13th so stay away from those train-tracks.

The Lottery Slogan Says "It Could be You"!

Well it will be me one day, but God's just waiting for me to be in the frame of mind where I won't spend the money on a six week alcohol-fuelled bender and sniff, snort and inject my way into rehab.

But all joking aside, if I won the National Lottery or the Euro Millions, I wouldn't be like the lucky winner Les Scadding who won £45m on the Euro Millions. Oh hell no. There'd be no photograph of me clutching a cheque the size of a coffee table. I'd never go public. They say you should never say never. Well never, never, never, never, never! I'd rather die.

I'd go missing. Up & leave! Gone! Vanish! Disappear without a second look.

In fact, one of my friends or a member of my family would probably turn up at my house and they'd see that the TV was still on, the kettle had just boiled. There'd be washing going around in the washing machine. The light would probably be on in the hallway and the bath-water would be over-flowing.

My slippers, still warm, would be right in the middle of the living room like I just stepped out of them and the front door would be wide open. I wouldn't even pack a suit case. I'd disappear off the face of Britain like a ghost without a letter of au revoir.

Meanwhile, I'd be off buying an Island like Richard Branson's Necker Island and I'd build a grown-ups 'playground' with the help of some hot construction workers, preferably in their 20s! It would be a new Kingdom in the middle of the sea. August Island - it would be The New Monte-Carlo, but it would be cool & funky; not for uptight A-holes with too much money and no sense of fun.

I haven't thought out all the finer details obviously, but this is just a guideline so that I'm clear about what I'm going to do when the time comes.

So indeed, one day 'It could be me'!

How to open a botte of wine without a cork screw...

...while drunk!

I don’t think this guy needs anymore wine, but it's a good "tutorial".

Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys – “Empire State Of Mind” Music Video

Store Decoy

My son has come up with a fabulous idea. It's an idea borne out of frustration really.

He finds when he goes shopping, especially large department stores, he's often followed by a security guard. He's used to this now because he knows that he fits "small minded Britain's" profile as a criminal.

Funnily enough, my son said that he's seen more crime than the security guards because often while he's being closely watched, security are missing out on catching the real thieves.

He said the last person he saw shop-lifting looked as pure as Snow White. She scooped a whole batch of Impulse Body Spray into her large designer handbag and left the store unnoticed. All the while, security had their eye on the wrong person.

So my son has suggested that he go out robbing with the Snow Whites of the criminal fraternity. He said that way, they'd get away with the crime every time, simply because Security would be too busy with their eye on him!

Oh to be old!

Little Anton James Pacino helping his elderly father Al with the parking meter.



Al Pacino's starting to look a little bit like Tom Jones and Liz Talylor's love child!

I shouldn't mock. I haven't got a clue what I'm going to look like in years to come. On my off days, I already look like a Troll Doll!

The sad thing about being absolutely drop-dead gorgeous in your youth is the aging process seems that much more cruel.



I'm a big fan of Al Pacino's body of work so I'll say something good about him; which is at least he's not crazy enough to go down the 'Mickey Rourke Road' of stretching his face like play-dough while in the hands of a plastic surgeon in an effort to cling on to his youth.

The August Mayfield Diaries

I Don't Want You to be my Woman!

Why on earth do men believe that women are going to dowse themselves in petrol and set themselves on fire or leap off the top of a tall building or women are going to wait outside their house in a black balaclava wielding a machete in order to chop off his head if a man simply says, I like you, but not enough for you to be my girlfriend.

What's so difficult about telling the God's Honest Truth?

Read more ...

Hair Removal GONE WRONG

This morning, I decided to do a little hair removal with a spatula and some cream. I managed to reach all the parts that ladies should reach in an effort to keep one's self neat and tidy.

I was reminded to do this hair removal thing by a man that caught my eye. I saw him in the right place at the right time because I've noticed lately that my own growth was getting a bit out of order. Anyway, I was picking up some bits and pieces in Boots the chemist yesterday and I noticed the security guard had hairs growing out of his nose and ears and it reminded me to pick up the cream in order to do some personal cultivation.

So this morning, I got all creamed up and ready to rinse off in the bathroom but when I tried to open the door, it was locked and I could hear the shower going.

I asked the child who was in there if he was almost done and he said he'd be out in a minute. Two minutes later he emerged and I ran in, but it was too late. My skin was on fire.

As I rinsed off in a frenzy, I noticed that tiny patches of my skin was coming away... and then the crying started. I was desolving! All because of vanity.

I'm now sitting here with my elbows bent like chicken wings and my legs further apart than a lady should be seen sitting.

It's not so cute now - having pink patches where skin should be!

All because I saw a man with hairs growing out of his nose.

The Rat Monster

This video is hysterical in the scary/funny sense of the word!



My poor little heart would have given out after the first second of my eye catching anything sinister lying in a jar. You would have heard my screams as far away as Russia and Japan!

Bad Hair Day?

Ladies, when you’re having a bad hair day, don’t forget to cover your hair and accessorise your look with a scarf.

Scarves are not just for throwing around your neck.



Modelled by Sundai (top) & Jennifer (bottom): America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13



Try it, you might like it! It's better than bed-head.



Scarves from Boohoo.com and Newlook from £8-10.