Just jokes!

I went to a casino last night and was stood next to a guy playing Blackjack who kept having win after win after win!

I couldn't believe his luck, then saw he was stood on what looked like a bit of bread.

I said to him, "mister, what's that under your shoe?"

He said. "Shhh! I'm on a roll."

She wasn't hungry... just too busy to eat!

Nicole Richie said it was insulting and irresponsible for the press to claim that she had an eating disorder when she was pictured looking considerably malnourished.

I can't imagine being that hungry! I don't know how she could stand it. I know my stomach would be rumbling like no one's business if I decided that it might be a good idea for me to weight 3 stones. Being as light as a feather is so not for me. God forbid I blow dry my hair... the gush of wind would knock me down to the floor.

How Nicole managed to run on a beach I will never know because if my body was running on empty like that, I doubt I'd be able to put one foot in front of the other.

I guess Ms Richie's experiencing happier times since becoming a mum because she looks much healthier these days.

If you pay cheap, you pay twice!

That's what my old Nan used to say anyway. As far as she was concerned, you have to be prepared to pay the cost for quality because quality lasts forever.

If you buy a tailored suit, you can wear it from your 30s to your 70s. Also, if you buy a well made pair of shoes, you can pass them onto your children and your children's children. That's why vintage designer garments are always a good buy. Often, vintage Chanel items go for about the same price second time around as they did the first time because the quality can stand the test of time.

So why did I decide to buy two mascara's for £1 in the supermarket. Us women really ought to know that if you buy cheap makeup, you're either wearing it for the next ten days because the pigment won't wash off or it starts smearing down your face the minute you leave the house.

I wore the cheap mascara for the first time yesterday and when I caught myself in the mirror when I got home, I almost screamed. I looked like a frightened raccoon.

To think I walked the length and breadth of the West End looking like a patient from the nut house.

I also remember laying eyes on a really cute guy on Oxford Street, just outside Topshop and he smiled at me. But now I realise he wasn't smiling, he was stifling a laugh!

iAugust have had enough!

The new Apple iPad

There's an iThis and an iThat. I mean, Apple are rolling out a new invention every ten minutes. I haven't even got to grips with the one before the one before yet.

Many years ago, I received an iPod as a gift when MP3 players were just getting started. And then Apple started making improvements, modifications, Apps and all sorts of accessories. I wasn't very happy because by the time I found out how to use the one I had, there was a better modified version on the market.

When you get into buying stuff from Apple, it's almost as if you've done a deal with the Devil.

So of course I want the latest Apple Mac, I want the latest iPod Video, Touch, Nano, Shuffle and Phone. I haven't got them all, but I want them all.

And now this... the damn iPad and iPen. I thought the press were joking when I read about it but hell no, they're serious.

The genius at Apple Inc who hasn't got a life better take an iPill and slow down on the the production of the next big thing.

All these new Apple gadgets are getting on my iNerves!!

To access iTunes Click here!

Boo, hoo, hoo!!

I met my friend David* for lunch today. We met at the tube station and walked arm-in-arm to Pizza Express to stuff our faces and catch up.

When we sat down, David paused, looked at me and then started crying. At first I thought he was joking but as the crying continued, I reached out across the table and touched the back of his hand and said David, what's the matter? He then got a tissue out of his jacket pocket, blew his nose and wiped his eyes and said sorry, I keep doing that. I said keep doing what, bursting into tears? He said yes. So I asked him what was making him cry like that and he started crying all over again.

I looked around me this time, expecting to see a camera crew or some kind of sign that this wasn't for real. I then said David, what the hell's the matter with you? He said he didn't know.

In fact, for two hours we sat there chatting about life and everything and this man burst into tears three more times and at the end of our session, I still didn't have a clue why this man kept crying. He said he's not unhappy. Nothing strange has happened lately. He's not over the moon about anything so it's not tears of joy.

David said he can't visit the doctor; what's he going to say? But he said if it continues, he's going to have to see a behavioural therapist or something because he's beginning to question is sanity. He said he's cried more in the last two weeks than he did when he was a baby.

I have never, ever come across anything like this in my life. NEVER!! I'm quite speechless in fact. Puzzled and speechless.

*David is so not his real name!!

Do you look like that on purpose or have you gone mental?

My mum would kill me if she saw me stood there like Amber Rose.

It's nothing to do with the way she's dressed!! My mum would kill me if she saw me with Kanye West.

What's Wrong with the Williams Sisters?

People are always complaining about either Venus, Serena or both of them. Calling them attention seekers, tennis playing machines, ghastly and even Diva's and it makes me sick! It makes me sick because these two sisters are some of the hardest working athletes in the world. They give good interviews and appear approachable and articulate. They live a good life and keep themselves out of the gossip columns quite well for rich young women.

I guess I just can't understand what's so terrible about them and whatever monstrosities people are seeing, I just can't see.



Is it because they don't look cutesy like Barbie dolls. Is it because their strength and determination intimidates people? Somebody please tell me what the problem is.

In the photograph above, one of the daily tabloids has the headline "Venus Williams causes a stir with flesh-coloured undies" before going on to act like she's wearing her knickers on her head!

I don't know what the problem is. Women wear flesh coloured underwear all the time.

Security? I don't feel very secure!

You can't trust a damn soul these days.

I'm minding my own business, working the night shift and often I work in my department alone in a building built for hundreds of people. At night, our Security Guards patrol the building to make sure that night workers are safe and everything's cool and I'm cool with that. They make me feel safe and keep me within the boundaries of good behaviour.

You won't see me stuffing 100 white window envelopes in my handbag. Nor will you see me wrapping the desktop colour printer in my cardigan in readiness to sneak it past members of staff so that I can take it home and sell it on eBay. Security make me think twice about laying my head on the desk and having a 30 minute snooze when I'm supposed to be working, even if it's 3 in the morning! So I like the idea of Security popping into my office every 30 minutes just to check on things.

But last night, I went to the over-night mail room to send off an important document by courier and when I returned to my office I saw a Security Guard inside. I stood at the door-way quietly to survey the scene... and what do I see? A Security Guard opening my drawer. He then sat on my chair and picked up my iPod and held it in the palm of his suspiciously large hands. He put it back down and then started leafing through my paperwork!

So I decided to make a grand entrance. Security man stood up and flew away from my desk and said "evening"! I said to him "can I help you"? This man says to me "just patrolling".

Patrolling my arse. I can't imagine what the nosey son of a b*tch was looking for but I've got his number. The day I wrap that colour printer in my cardigan and someone says "who, what, where?" I'll say ask Mr Security where the frigging printer is. He knows his way around this office good and proper!

Hairy Legs on a Comedy Diva? Oh Hell No!

I'm all for people doing exactly what the hell they want to do 'within reason'. As long as it's not hurting anyone. So why is it that I'm horrified that comedienne and actress Mo'Nique would dare to leave the house with hairy legs to step on the red carpet? She knew she was attending the Golden Globes. I mean... I've done it! Gone out with hairs on my legs and hairs on my upper lip and hairs under my armpits. But I'm not a celebrity, I'm not photographed by the Paps, I don't wear ten trillion pound gowns and I'm oh so not in the public eye.

Mo'Nique (you might not even know her) but dearest Mo'Nique loses a gold star from me for showing her hairy legs in public.

It might have been a dare, but I don't like it! It's not funny! It's not pretty. Put your legs away girlfriend!

I love her... but I don't get this hairy leg thing!

Mo'Nique - Dancing Beyonce Style!

Mo'Nique in the movie "Precious"

The Invitation

I'm having car problems at the moment and while I was sitting in the garage waiting for the mechanic to tell me the good or the bad news, the garage owner, Bobby said to me "you like words, you'll like this" and handed me a printed piece of paper.

The piece of paper was called THE INVITATION!

I'll share it with you because I like it and I'm feeling generous today.

Click here

Flattery gets you everywhere!

I went to the Post Office this morning but I was there fifteen minutes before opening time and couldn’t see myself waiting outside in the cold with the old dears so I decided to go for a walk to the chemist to buy some nail polish remover to kill time.

When I came back around the block to the Post Office, it was open so I went inside. I was shocked with what I came face-to-face with. The place was as packed as a night-club. All I needed to see was a Bar and a Bouncer. I had to fight the urge to ask for the cloakroom because I could see myself heading for the imaginary dance floor. I get the feeling I need to get out more!

Anyway, I knew that there was no way I was going to queue up for 45 minutes just to pick up a form. You know when you know! I knew... So I had to think on my feet.

I decided to head for the window where the shutter blind was halfway down. I knocked on the glass and a woman pulled the blind up. I said to her “oh my God, Shilpa Shetty” (the famous Bollywood actress)! “What the devil are you doing working in a Post Office?” The woman blushed and smiled so that I could see every tooth in her mouth. I knew I had her there and then. She said “you’re mistaken. I’m not Shilpa Shetty but I wish I was”. I said to her “I could have sworn you were Shilpa. You’re the dead stamp”. She said to me “I’m so flattered. You’ve made my day”. So without missing a beat I said “you should be in Bollywood. By the way, can I have a form for a Student Oyster Card please”? She got the form out of the pigeon hole and handed it to me. I smiled and I’m sure she could see every tooth in my mouth this time and I said “thanks very much. You’re far too kind”.

Job done!

Like I said... flattery gets you EVERYWHERE!!

If I were to choose between flattery and queuing for 45 minutes, I'll flatter you with everything I've got, any day of the week.

Get it off your chest man!

I have no problem whatsoever when a man wants to take off his clothes and bare his near-naked flesh for all to see.



Cristiano Ronaldo obviously works very hard to keep himself in shape and if he wants to bare his chest (and anything else delicious) and lay there in his knickers, it's all good!

Some of you may even prefer the figure of a larger man! I have no doubt that James Corden also works very hard to maintain his shape too. In a slightly different way of course.

Leona Look-a-Like?

No she's not. She's crazy!

It's amazing that shop assistant, Sasha Gordon would actually come forward and complain about being a Leona Lewis look-a-like when she doesn't look anymore like Leona Lewis than any other black or biracial woman walking down the street wearing a hideous wig and an evening dress!


Worst still, it's reported that this woman is actually claiming that looking like Leona is ruining her life because she's finding it impossible to get a job because potential employers have said that her looks could be a distraction! She's also being mobbed by passers by in the street, people are causing her unnecessary botheration by asking her for her autograph and her boyfriend of five years left her because he can't stand all the "Leona" attention she's getting.

Finally... this pitiful woman said she tried to cash in on the fact that she looks like Leona and decided to join a look-a-like agency and the agency turned her down because they said that Leona's personality is too boring for anyone to book.

OH PLEASE!!!

Camilla is Anti Beyoncé & Gaga

Prince Charles's second wife Camilla said that "video's by women like Beyoncé and Lady Gaga is the reason why women and society as a whole is in moral decline because they glorify sex and violence".

I wonder if this is the same Camilla who cheated on her husband Andrew Parker Bowles? The same Camilla who had an affair with the late Princess Diana's husband Prince Charles?

It really annoys me when people forget about the glass house they used to live in. Camilla and people like Camilla have no right trying to give out lessons in morality. Did she forget about her very public scandal? Not only that, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is in no position to make valid comments about our modern society.

I don't think I'm in the majority when I say that I'm a fan of both Lady Gaga and Beyoncé; recently they've become celebrities, along with Rihanna, that people love to hate. But from my minority position as a fan, I'm not afraid to admit that I like the fact that these women dance to the beat of their own drum. They're innovative, take risks and are not afraid to do what it takes to press every artistic button available to them.

Strong innovative women make me happy. Dusty old women like Camilla get on my nerves!

A Soul Legend Leaves this Mortal Earth

Sadly the wonderful soul singer Teddy Pendergrass died of colon cancer yesterday at the age of 59.

Teddy Pendergrass rose to fame in the 70s as the lead singer of Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes. They became famous for hits like If You Don’t Know Me by Now, Don't Leave me This Way and Wake Up Everybody.

Teddy later embarked on a successful solo career having hits with Close the Door and Turn Off the Lights.

Unfortunately, in 1982, he suffered a spinal cord injury. He was paralyzed from the waist down in a car accident when his brakes failed on his Rolls Royce and he hit a tree but disability didn't keep him down. He released an album while recovering in 1983 called Heaven Only Knows.

Right now, the words Heaven Only Knows couldn't be more appropriate.

I could have been a pole dancer

In a former life that is! A family-free, child-free life. A life where I had fit thighs and no stretch-marks. A life where I wouldn't faint if I hung upside down trying to look sexy and tantalising while swinging around a pole.

I've always been fascinated by pole dancing. Lap dancing does nothing for me especially because the "punters" touch you and I don't want to be touched. I just want to tease and look sexy.

I love the fact that pole dancers are super fit too. I like the idea of being able to use the muscles only a pole dancer can use to keep myself from smashing into the ground, head first while looking sexy.

I know that pole dancing lessons are available and it's something I'm going to investigate because when my children leave home, I'm going to need a new hobby. I'll erect a pole in their empty bedroom and swing around and around to my heart's content. I might even charge an entry fee. But if anyone touches me, I'll blacken their eyes with my fists!

The August Mayfield Diaries

I Hope She Can Forgive Me, But I Could Never Forgive Her!

My very dear friend Simon has gotten himself into a spot of bother. I say a spot of bother, but that's a major understatement. Simon's been a lady's man for as long as I've known him and I met Simon when I was still wearing ribbons in my hair and white ankle socks.

Read more ...

I prayed for what I want...

...but instead I got what I need!

My car has indicated to me that it’s not feeling very well. It's never gone wrong in all the time I've had it but it's a machine; it had to go wrong at some point and that point is right now.

As I parked outside my house, I knew that it might be the last time I'd fire up it's engine for a long time and I was right.

About five hours later when it was time for me to work a long night shift, the car coughed, spluttered and died.

I sat down inside the car, put my hands together and prayed. I prayed that the car would start when I started the engine again. I said to myself I believe in the power of prayer. I've been a relatively good girl. God will look at me favourably. He knows I'm the breadwinner in my house and I have to go to work for my family. My son's weekend supermarket wages won't feed us. So I prayed and then turned the key in the ignition and the car was silent!

So I said to myself OK, not all prayers are answered but what followed was an indirect response. I got a lift to work from my friend. My son gave me £10 for train fare home and my sister lent me her Ugg boots and hat to keep warm on my journey home. My manager said I can leave to go home an hour earlier than normal and the woman from the Homestart Car Rescue Service said someone would come to take a look at my car first thing in the morning and if they couldn't get it started, they'd take me to the nearest garage.

So as much as I just wanted the car to start and stop being silly, the Universe made it clear that it had it’s own way of dealing with my frantic prayers.

Go away, I'm not in the mood!

It looks like someone, or something's in the mood for love but unfortunately, the love seems a bit one sided!

The Thong Song Guy wears a Mankini!

I used to be mad about Sisqo and Dru Hill.

But after seeing him on Celebrity Big Brother looking like Borat, I don't know whether or not to wolf-whistle, laugh or cry!



Sisqo believes that a healthy mind is an open mind. I take it his mind is definitely wide open!

Run for your life!

You're about to witness someone's lucky day.

I can't always be good but it's worth a try!

KARMA

What do you want to be when you grow up?

My dad asked my son what career he wanted to pursue when he leaves school. My son said he’s not sure. He wanted to be a vet when he was a little boy but now he’s clueless. My dad said it’s a very bad sign that a 16 year old doesn’t know what he wants to do. I tend to disagree. I think it’s wonderful if someone knows from an early age what they’d like to do for a living, but it’s not the end of the world if you're not sure.

I wanted to be a hairdresser as a child. In fact, I was 100% sure that I was going to be a hairdresser because I was passionate about hair. My parents bought me a hairdressing kit, I bought hairdressing and hairstyle magazines. I taught myself how to do loads of different hairstyles and I also taught myself how to use clippers, how to apply perms, permanent colour and extensions. I honestly thought I was going to own my own salon by the age of 21.

Unfortunately, when I told the school careers officer that I was going to be a hairdresser, she said it was impossible without A Level Chemistry. I was rubbish at Chemistry and asked my careers officer if there was any other way. She said yes dear, years of answering phones and sweeping up hair and then maybe, just maybe you might work your way up to putting on customers’ gowns and washing the hair of old ladies. In an instance, I was completely put off and decided against pursuing hairdressing.

Unfortunately, the 15 year old August was as green as the grass on your front lawn. It didn’t occur to me that the careers officer was talking out of her backside.

I ended up being a very sloppy Secretary. I hated being a Secretary... I hated everything about it and I did everything in my power to jeopardise anything to do with Secretarial work. The only time I was happy was lunch-time and home time. I disliked answering the phone. I was disgruntled when I had to take messages. If anyone asked me to do anything, I'd give them looks that could kill. I could never read my own short-hand. I was allergic to filing and the worst thing you could ever ask me to do was to make tea or coffee. I can't tell you the amount of times I wanted to sabotage someone's tea but Karma was the only thing that stopped me.

I’m still passionate about hair and love both restyling my own hair and going to the hairdressers. In fact, my hairdresser is emigrating to the Caribbean and when she’s gone for good, I’m going to incorporate my holidays with my haircuts.

It’s so unfortunate that as a teenager, instead of trusting my own judgement, I assumed the very unhelpful careers officer knew what she was talking about. I’ll do everything in my power to encourage my children to follow their hearts when it comes to their future careers. There’s nothing worse than taking crap advice and wishing that you listened to your inner voice instead of listening to someone who doesn't give a damn.

So what do I tell my son at 16 who doesn’t know what he wants to be?

I’ll tell him that he’s already who he wants to be; the rest will come in good time.

As long as he's not sponging of me when he's 30. Then I'll give him the remixed version and it won't be pretty.

She's toying with you bruv!

My brother's been on the case of an elusive young lady for the past three months. I've never met her. She likes to keep a low profile but my brother thinks the world of her and he said he’s falling in love.

From what I’ve deduced about the situation, she's not as interested in him as he’d like. No doubt, she’s fond of him, but she doesn't want him for keeps.

They do a lot together. They go to the cinema, the theatre, they went to Florida in December and he buys her lovely gifts and flowers regularly. They meet for dates after work, spend most weekends together and she stays over at his house quite often. But the snooping suspicious sister in me thinks that something doesn't add up.

He doesn't know anyone who's linked to her. As far as he's aware, she's really close to her brother and sisters and speaks to her mother every day but she said she's not going to introduce him to her friends or family until she's 100% sure about him. She also said she doesn't want to meet any of his friends or family until things progress further.

This mystery woman also explained to my brother that she's a born again Christian so she doesn't believe in sex before marriage so anything of the sort is off limits. He's noticed that she doesn't go to church, nor does she practice anything to do with Christianity apart from the no-sex rule. Which is fair enough, I applaud any woman who takes her sexuality seriously.

My brother has been very frustrated lately because he said he's really keen on this girl but she's giving him mixed messages. She acts like she's interested but says negative things like she's afraid to give herself over to a relationship because she's afraid of getting hurt. Or she'd love to open her heart fully but she doesn't want to rush anything. Miss Illusive also said she's incredibly intense when she's in love and doesn't want to scare Costa off with her intensity! She also made it very clear that she's interested in Costa, but she's really busy... too busy for a full-on relationship.

But the thing that made me say to him I think you're being hood-winked is when she said to him yesterday "I like you a lot but if you meet someone else, I don't mind if you date them because I think it's important that you find your soul mate".

I said to my brother, when a woman meets someone she's keen on, she makes it VERY CLEAR that anyone else sniffing around's gonna get a punch on the nose. I'm suspicious of any woman who encourages the man she's dating to go out and "find his soul mate"!

I have a good mind to ring her up to tell her to step off - she reminds me of a man I dated back in the day who p*ssed me off to the highest point of pisstivity. This madam needs to go, however it’s up to Costa but she's getting on my nerves and I've not even met her.

Hello, hello... Happy New Year!

I know my happy new year wishes are belated because we’re five days into 2010 but I took two weeks off work and two weeks off my everyday routine to recharge my batteries, which is something I don’t normally do. But thank God I did because I feel 100% better for it. I can honestly look back and say I had a FABULOUS festive season.

I had a good time with my friends and family and also learned that a Tequila hangover isn’t for life... it’s just for Christmas!

I’m a spinster/orphan. In other words I’m no longer in my 20s, I’m unmarried and my parents are spending most of their life sunning themselves in their holiday home, so when it comes to Christmas, I normally have dinner with friends, considering my parents have abandoned me. I decided that I’d spend Christmas at home, alone if necessary. But everyone thought I was being an arse so I spent Christmas with my friend Eve and our four sons because she’s also a spinster, but not an orphan like me. BTW, I use the word Spinster in jest; I’m no more a Spinster than I am a giraffe. Eve’s a spinster though!! If you never hear from me again, it’s because Eve’s heard about what I’ve said about her and she’s killed me.

In between Christmas and New Year, I did more socialising than I’ve done in a year. I went out for meals, popped out for drinks, games evenings, even night clubbing and in between all of that, snacked like I was preparing my body for a harsh Winter and drank like alcohol was going to be prohibited in 2010.

Needless to say, my new best friends are the running machine, my hula hoop and daily aerobics.

I didn’t cry on Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve or any other day recently which is a very good sign. It means that 2010 has started on an excellent note. This is the first time that I can remember not weeping over the festive season.

My two major goals have been set so I have two very important things to work towards – everything else I’ll leave in the hands of the Gods. Although I have to be honest, when I left it all in the hands of the Gods last year, I was hugely disappointed so I’ll do a lot of my own tweaking and manipulating in the meantime.

The August Mayfield Diaries

How Do I Make You Feel?

My mother said to me yesterday that she spent some time with Penelope, an old friend of hers but whenever she spends time with Penelope, she's left feeling depressed. My mother said that Penelope's always moaning, she's aggressive, she's got a thousand ailments, nothing's ever good enough, ordinary events are a big disaster, her glass is always half empty and when she leaves Penelope's house, she feels depressed and can't shake the feeling for hours.

Read more ...