Just Jokes!!

A pilot, Oprah Winfrey, Tiger Woods, the Pope and a pizza delivery boy were all in a plane together travelling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

“I’m the world’s greatest chat show host,” said Oprah Winfrey as she unbuckled her seat belt and jumped up to grab a parachute. “This world needs great female entrepreneurs like me so I've got no choice. I have to live.” Oprah then strapped on her parachute and legged it to the edge of he open door and launched herself off the plane.

“Oh hell no, I only just got my fans back" said Tiger Woods. "I’m the greatest golfer that ever lived. I can't go down in this plane”! “Nike need me. My PR company needs me. The entire golf federation needs me, so I too must live!” Tiger Woods grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. “I have lived a long life compared to you young man so you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”

“You don’t have to do that" replied the pizza delivery boy. "Tiger Woods just jumped out the plane with my ruck-sack on his back”!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Oh Miss Campbell, what have you done?

Which came first... the pepper-grains or the weave?

Who ever invented the weave deserves a medal because Naomi Campbell for sure wouldn't get a booking or a look-in if she had to go on modelling assignments with broken, damaged hair. But I wonder, was the hair broken and damaged and then she got weaved or has the constant weaving left her natural hair looking like mustard seeds?

Who knows!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Alicia Keys, pregnant and loving it!

Alicia Keys shows off her baby bump with pride in Central Park for ABC's Good Morning America's summer concert.

I think Ms Keys looks fantastic, showing off her baby bump in her cute and completely 'on trend' playsuit.

When I was pregnant, I looked like a heifer! I wore swaths, tarpaulins and reams of material back in the day when hiding your bump was the done thing. Every day, I looked like a great big mammoth mountain and I only have one photograph of me pregnant because I looked like Nellie the Elephant.

So I'm completely jealous - but not in a green with envy way - of these modern day women who wear fashionable clothes and high heeled shoes and show off their pregnancies with pride. It fabulous!!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Too Many Birthdays, not enough presents!

Four of my friends are celebrating their birthdays all within the next 10 days and between them, their presents are going to cost me an arm and a leg. On top of that I have a birthday party to attend, two sit down meals and a birthday-come-hen-night too.

Who's going to foot the bill for all this merriment? Surely not the credit card company because this year, I saw the end of the credit card in my purse. I decided to work all the overtime in the world and a second job to make sure that I wasn't handing over another penny on interest fees. No more swapping cards for 0% interest, no more cutting up active cards for fear of spending money I haven't got on £600 shoes and no more sh*tty mail dropping through my letter box telling me how much to cough up hand over fist!

I can't borrow the money. I might as well get a credit card if I'm going to go through all that again. Anyway, who do I ask? I can't see myself going to the bank of mum & dad and telling them to gim-me their pension because I need to buy some presents and finance me painting the town 8 shades of red.

So whose birthday event do I turn down and who'll get a pound shop present? Mary would kill me if I don't go to her sedate sit down dinner, Jade would hunt me down like a mad woman if I don't go to her hen/birthday party. Jenny will cry for the remainder of the year if I don't get her a present. I guess it'll have to be Debbie who misses out because I can't see myself going through another drunken birthday night of champagne and debauchery. My liver couldn't take it.

Last year I saw photographs of events I can't even remember taking part in so Debbie's out... and that's final... I think!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Michael Jackson, Gone but Never Forgotten

29 August 1958 – 25 June 2009



Entertain? That's what he was born to do!

Do me a favour!

My aunt Coretta asked me to dye her hair today. Well she didn't ask me today, she asked me last week if I would be available to dye her hair on Thursday (today) because she has a funeral to go to tomorrow. So of course I said yes.

There's nothing that Aunt Coretta could ever ask for and I turn around and say no. There have been times in the past where I wanted to say oh hell no? Or ask someone else! Or are you crazy old lady? I've even thought about forgetting that I'd already said yes to one of her requests but I really haven't got the heart, or lack thereof to refuse my dear old aunt. I partly think she asks for heaven, earth, the moon and the stars for a little companionship anyway.

When I got to her house today at about 3.30pm, she said "where the ****** hell have you been? I've been waiting for hours and and this is the time you decide to show up! You know that I don't organise my life by nightfall. I do what I need to do first thing in the morning. I can't believe you've got the cheek to show up at this time. Jesus girl, you've got some ******* nerve".

I looked over at Uncle Alfred and he just got up out of his chair and went upstairs. I picked up the tumbler off the dining room table and smelt the contents of the glass for alcohol; but no sign of Wray & Nephew.

I said to Aunt Coretta, "I'm sorry but did we agree on a time"? She said "you will be sorry. God Damn time a day you call this". "OK, come upstairs and get the rubber gloves. Right away before you waste anymore time. And make sure you don't dye my forehead. It's not a good look".

So I put on the gloves, dyed her hair, dyed her forehead and splashed a bit of jet black dye on her cream bathroom carpet. I have a feeling that the carpet was going a bit too far. But I'm willing to see what Karma offers up for that one.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

I'm surprised Gaga hasn't hit the ground more often

There are shoes to dance in, party in, walk in, run in and in Gaga's case, perform in. What she wore to the airport were sit down shoes! Or stand up, take a quick snap and then sit your arse down or... just like what she did, you're gonna fall down.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

It's not Rocket Salad!

My friend Jeanette was trying to explain the reason why she bought a pair of shoes that were a size too small but she still bought them anyway because she just had to have them.

I told her that it was just plain stupid. Stupid to buy a pair of little shoes. Stupid to spend so much money on little shoes that are going to squeeze the life out of her big toe. Then I told her that she might end up with corns and bunions and in the end, she'd have to invest in National Health orthopaedic shoes.

Well if looks could kill, I'd be spread out in the morgue right now, wearing an ill-fitting dress and too much face powder.

Jeanette said she'd read in Glamour Magazine that Beyoncé regularly forgoes comfort for looking good. She said that Mrs Jay Z often wore earrings that pinched, dresses that were too tight and made it difficult to breath and shoes that hurt to the highest point of her pain threshold. I explained to Eve that Beyoncé's just trying to make us "normal" women feel better about the hell we put ourselves through trying to look good because I truly believe Beyoncé was born wearing a blond weave, big sparkly earrings and Christian Louboutin shoes - she can't fool me!

I said to Jeanette that celebrities are an exception and not all women go through pain to look good. Some women don't remove hair or wear high shoes. A lot of women don't wear dresses or boots that are too tight and that everyone's need to look good is different.

Eventually, Jeanette said to me bullsh*t! All women go through some sort of pain to look good. Looking good equals pain, "IT'S NOT EXACTLY ROCKET SALAD"! So I said to Jeanette, I think you mean "ROCKET SCIENCE". She said no, what I'm trying to say is it's not complicated and you're trying to complicate it. I said Jeanette, I understand, but the term you mean is ROCKET SCIENCE; it's the term you use when you're talking about things that are complicated.

Well I've never seen a look so blank in my life. She obviously thought I was talking out of my bum. We both sat there in awkward silence, sipping our Southern Comforts and then changed the subject.

Nice weather we're having! Yes dear.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Nude Debate

I came in to work this morning wearing beige shoes and my colleague said to me I love your nude coloured shoes; that colour's all the rage at the moment. I said thanks Theresa, but nude is not a colour; it's a state of undress. The shoes are beige. Well of course she looked at me like I was one of the worst kinds of [insert your own swear word here]. I know that my response came across as rude and ungrateful, but my contentious words fell out of my mouth before I had a chance to edit them. We all know that no one appreciates giving out compliments for it to be met with a condescending grammatical correction. I guess what really happened this morning was my exhaustion with the whole 'nude as a colour' debate and I really shouldn't have taken it out on Theresa.

Read more ...

Just Jokes!!

An Investment Banker at Citi Group parks his brand new Porsche in front of his Canary Wharf office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too; close to the curb and the lorry hacks off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Investment Banker starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful purple Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll never be the same again!'

After the Banker finally finishes his prima dona hissy fit, the policeman shakes
his head in disgust.

The police says: 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

The banker says to the policeman, 'how can you say such a thing at a time like this'?

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you'?

The Banker looks down in horror!

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????... '

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

A cute little bundle of pork!

If this little Wellington Boot wearing piggy showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't be tempted to throw her on the barbecue smothered in smokey HP sauce. I'd scoop her up and treat her like a little pet...



...and then when she gets too big for my little house, I'd sell her to the local butchers.

Only joking!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Queen of the Amazon

I made the mistake of telling my mother that I can get her whatever books she likes from Amazon because they're a lot cheaper than WH Smith. She used to spend hundreds of pounds each year buying books upon books from Smiths and it was costing her a fortune (and eating up my inheritance) so I decided to step in.

At first this was a good idea because I was happy to purchase books for mother for a pound at a time. She was happy to receive second hand books too so I'd also buy used books. She said she's happy, as long as they're hard back! Don't know why but that was her preference and who am I to argue?

But now mother's addiction is getting out of hand. She goes through a book each week and now I'm finding it difficult to keep up with her drug of choice. She's not only requesting hard backs but she also wants new books and you can't buy those for a pound! I'm now spending the best part of my small wages keeping up with her and I can't charge my mother or go back on my deal, after all - she's the woman who gave me life.

I don't know how to tell her that she needs to find another hobby - one that doesn't cost me an arm and a leg. Maybe I ought to get her one of those new fangled digital books where I can download a bunch of her requirements and she can leave me and my wages alone.

I ought not to complain though. I mean... what goes around comes around and I've already told my children that when they become fully fledged working adults, I want a motorbike, a granny flat attached to their house - each house - and a holiday in the South of France every summer!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Just Jokes!

Two old ladies were out driving in a large Cadillac. Both of them had trouble seeing over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The traffic light was red,
but they just went right on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it! I could have sworn Mavis just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So Mavis turned to Mildred and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both'!

Mildred turned to Mavis and said, 'Holy crap, am I driving'?

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Do you fancy being sold another piece of equipment that you really don't need?

Warning: this video is full of profanity... so click with caution!



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Embrace Change

We've had a desk change at work. Our department has experienced a lot of job cuts over the past two years so the office has slimmed down quite a bit, unlike our Manager but that's a whole different story.

Anyway, we were all given a seating plan of where we're supposed to be sitting and I was pretty hacked off. I used to sit in a cosy little area where I could see who was coming into the department before they actually stepped foot through the door so it gave me a 3 second window to close down the Internet, get off the phone or look busy. I was also in a prime position to sneak in and sneak out without too much fanfare which suited me right down to the ground when I came in late of sloped off early. My view wasn't very scenic and I also sat at a desk where my telephone extension received the most phone calls. Also sitting at the front of the office, people would come in to the department and expect me to answer questions I really didn't have time for but it was home, I was comfortable and I really didn't embrace change... initially.

So I called my son to complain about having to move desks and he sounded quite excited! He said oh cool so do you have a better PC? I said yes son. It's got more applications and the screen's much bigger and it's faster than my old machine. He said is your desk bigger or smaller? I said much bigger and I have more drawers where I can hide food, magazines and extra shoes. He said are you at the front or back of the office? I said the middle son. He said oh cool, you can see everything and everyone without having to move from your desk. He said isn't that better then mum? I said yes son, I suppose it is!

So it took my 16 year old to make me realise that not all change is bad. In fact change is good and he made me alter the way I looked at things. I didn't even get the opportunity to moan. Before I could even think about it, his outlook made me feel happy for two reasons. My son's not a miserable what's it like his mother and I ought see the good intention in every situation.

Just because I'm not the one to impliment change, it doesn't mean that changes imposed on me is a bad idea.

So my lesson today is change my outlook - sometimes wearing rose tinted glasses is a good thing.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries