Death by Chopsticks

This morning, I opened my local Guardian newspaper to find out that the Chinese Restaurant that I've been frequenting for the past 15 years has been closed down by Environmental Health due to repeated failures to correct their lack of hygiene issues in the kitchen.

Apparently, they've been visited four times this year by the Environmental Health Officers and each time, there was a different type of vermin running around like they owned the place.

It was reported that restaurant owner Li Yap Chung of Chop Chop had, amongst his crispy pork balls and prawn crackers; cockroaches, unidentified insects which had to be sent to a lab; mice, a maggot-infestation and wood lice. On top of that, the resident cat was as fat as a beach ball. Obviously, the obese cat had more than it's fair share of mice covered in sweet and sour sauce to fill it's gut with.

The last straw was when Chop Chop were found to have black droppings in and amongst their grains of rice and one of the chefs was over-heard to have jokingly said that they'd tell the customers the rice had black bits in it because it was a special spicy seasoning!

As you can imagine, I need a stomach transplant and hypnosis to rid my mind of the meals I've had at the hands of Dirty Mr Chung. Just the thought of pulling something out of my mouth and holding it up to the light and inspecting it and then putting it back in my mouth makes me want to vomit. Every time that happened, I was probably chewing on a cockroach covered in garlic, black pepper & salt.

Sorry people... but I need to go to the bathroom right this minute because I can feel my gut bubbling up in readiness to hurl out the contents.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

There's a strange man in her bed!

Some very serious words spoken by Antoine Dodson. The victim's brother.





Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Never mind...!!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Big People's Words

A group of five year olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to life at school.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use Big People's words, she was always reminding them.

She asked Nathan what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People's words!

She then asked Michael what he had done. 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said no, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People's words.

She then asked little Corey what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL the teacher said. What book did you read?

Corey thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:

Winnie the SHIT!

Do I look like an Idiot?

The lady in the clip is an asthmatic who shows Dr House how she catches her breath.

She's Climbing the Walls and Frothing at the Mouth!

I met up with my friend Mandy yesterday and she made me laugh my head off. Unfortunately, I wasn't supposed to turn her tragedy into comedy but I guess it was the way she told it.

Mandy spent approximately 3 hours telling me that she's not only sad because she's single, she's also panic stricken because she wants to have a baby and she can hear her biological clock ticking. On top of that she wants to settle down and get married but dates are thin on the ground and she's horny 24-7!

I think it was her description of feeling horny that started the giggles and the giggles developed into full blown belly laughs.

Without being too explicit because I simply don't want to turn you off, Mandy told me in detail about rubbing up against table legs. Sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle because she thinks it replicates an orgasm. She's constantly on the Ann Summers website looking for costumes and toys to enhance her love life, even though her fun and games are strictly solo. Mandy told me a story about salivating over the men's section of her Littlewoods catalogue and her heart racing when she see's Calvin Klein adverts with men in tight whites and she's considering going to a Soho massage parlour where she knows that one of the male masseuse offers extra curricula hand rubs involving a special Eucalyptus oil, chilli peppers and nutmeg! Which to me sounded like an exotic chicken breast seasoning.

I don't know what's happened to this woman. I think lack of sexual activity is eating away at her brain and her loins. While she was talking to me, I noticed that I was buttoning up the buttons on my blouse and wiping off my red lipstick just in case she ideas about exploring her lesbian side and jumping my bones.

I couldn't wait to go home to have a cold shower because for some reason, I felt totally exhausted!

Stupid Reflexes!

I was busy ironing away this morning. Ironing is one of the chores I hate the most. If I was given a choice of any form of housework, it would be doing the washing up every time. After that, it's the vacuuming because I always have it in my mind that if I vacuum vigorously, I might be able to burn off a few calories.

Anyway, while I was doing the ironing, the iron slipped out of my grip and landed on its side on the iron board and then almost in slow-mo, it tipped over and fell off the ironing board. But as it was falling, my reflexes kicked in but did the opposite thing to sensibilities and I stretched out both hands as if I were catching a rugby ball.

Just as the iron hit my left wrist, I quickly snatched my hand back and it came crashing down on the floor.

I'm now sporting a big red burn which is probably going to turn an ugly shade of purple tomorrow and then after that, it's anyone's guess how it's going to turn out.

I frigging hate ironing as it is!! It's the devil's work. And God only knows what kinda cartoon character tries to catch a hot falling iron. I should be shot.

Baby Elephant Attacks Zoo Keeper

Black Couple Have White Baby

Who would have though!

Apparently, the stunned father of the blond haired newborn, baby girl said to news reporters "I'm sure she's my mine... I just don't know why she's white"!

The parents Ben and Angela Ihegboro of Woolwich, South London were shocked and amazed but are happy that they have a healthy little girl.

All I can say is they're luckier than me. When I gave birth to my youngest, I thought he looked like a King Edward potato. He's a handsome boy now but in the maternity ward, I cried for days on end thinking people are going to throw salt on him and smother him in butter.

All joking aside, I think that little baby girl Nmachi Ihegboro was born into the right family who have shown no sign of horror, fear or rejection. Luckily, as much as she's a fluke, she looks like she's in good hands.

Did you hear the one about...

...two old men realise that they're close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few Whiskies, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her Manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put a blow-up doll in each bed".

"Those old men are so frail and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my good Prostitutes on them. They won't know the difference".

The manager does as he's told and the two old men go upstairs, excited to get it on and take care of business. On their way home as they were walking down the street, the first man says,

"Cyril you know, I think my girl was dead"!

Charlie says "dead! Why d'you say that"?

Cyril said "well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her".

Charlie says, "gee buddy, it could be worse... I think mine was a witch".

"A witch" said Cyril. "Why in the hell would you say she was a witch"?

Charlie said "well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my damn teeth with her"!

If you don't ask, you don't get!

I was walking up the high street today and I noticed a handsome man looking at me. In my mind, I assume he liked what he saw. I thought he looked cute too but I'm quite happy to glance and go on about my business considering I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now.

So said man approached me and said hello, you look lovely today little Miss. I said why thank you! He then asked me my name but I noticed that he was smoking and as a snob who thinks it's common for a young man to be puffing on a cigeratte while chatting me up, it was a bit of a turn off. Anyway, I lied about my name because I sensed that this was the right time to tell a lie and he introduced himself as Anthony.

Anthony then said to me April, you look good enough to eat. Do you fancy coming back to my house for Sex! Well Anthony may as well have said do you fancy coming to my house so I can cut out your heart and eat it with a jacket potato and coleslaw.

It's all good being honest but I'm not that kinda girl. I was offended that Anthony assumed that I was. So I said Anthony, I'm sorry but I can't accommodate you, I'm a lesbian.

Well he laughed and laughed and even when I was across the road and speed walking my way to an exit, I could still hear him laughing.

I guess if you don't ask... you don't get.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Just Jokes!

Two dragons walked into a packed nightclub.

They both head to the bar and one of the dragons said to the other, "Jesus man, it's hot in here".

The other dragon turned to him and said "well shut your mouth then"!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

I said "how are you" and she said...

..."I'm not all good, but I'm good enough which is enough to be getting on with".

This is not how I wanted a first thing on a Monday morning conversation to go with my mother. Especially when my phonecall was to receive and not to give. I was plotting to ask her if I could borrow her very expensive cutlery and dinner set for a Shindig I'm having next weekend. Worst thing was mother's not invited for various reasons which I can't justify right now!

So while she was killing me softly with tales about her aches and pains, the biggest one being my dad, I was thinking of the right time to drop it on her. She didn't pause for breath while she was telling me that her pain pills clash with her high blood pressure pills and her vacuum cleaner wasn't sucking but blowing. Her wig's making her head itch due to the hot weather and she's on a diet but she experiencing chronic hunger pangs which is driving her up the wall.

I thought it was best to be the dutiful daughter and listen (sort of) by saying 'yes mother', 'no mother' and 'you don't say' in the appropriate places and keep my selfish requirements to myself.

If fact, what I might do later is call again, ask my dad to let me know when mother's going out and steal the items without her blessing.

I know, I know; thieving is a road to hell!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Oh Grandad... No!

I popped over to see my neighbour yesterday. She's an Avon lady and she had some bubbly bathy bits for me. When I stepped into her lounge, she introduced me to her dad who was doing a bit of painting and decorating and while he was at it, her son was sitting crossed-legged watching his grandad at work.

When my neighbour Natalie got up to get me a big cold glass of wine, I saw her son, whose about seven, point to the sticky white paint on the skirting board and then he said "grandad, I'm gonna touch it" and Natalie's dad said "Nathan, I'm gonna break your f****g fingers"!

Well Jesus, Mary & Joseph only knows why I didn't fall off my chair there and then because I felt the earth shift underneath me. I couldn't believe what I heard. Such crude language in front of a little boy... and in company! I know I wasn't supposed to over-hear him but I did.

I didn't know where to look but Nathan caught my eyes and we both started giggling quietly.

I don't know why I came over all holier than thou because when I was little, my dad used to swear like a sailor. He swore at us and around us and nobody batted an eyelid. In fact, if Social Services and the Politically Correct police came to visit our house in the 70s, they would have seen us kids standing on tables to change light bulbs with the power switched on. We would have been looking after ourselves when our parents were at work and we were all very young. Were were peeling oranges with sharp knives and God only knows how we're not dead yet because we'd take turns sitting on my dad's lap while he was chain smoking 20 cigarettes. We sat in front of paraffin heaters with naked flames in the winter wearing highly flammable dressing gowns and we were cooking and ironing standing on stools because we were too small to reach the cooker and the iron board.

So I don't know why my eyes were as wide as saucers when I heard Mr Francis swear like a sailor in front of his grandson because my dad would curse out a long string of profanities if we simply stood in front of the TV when he was trying to watch the news.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Judge Judy and the Gullible Sugar Daddy

Before a rich old man parts with this money, he should first call his lawyer and his accountant. The last person in the world to call is a woman half his age! Especially if she's got a name like Sugar Daddy's ex-girlfriend. Her name's Eurydice. You can't expect good behaviour with a woman scarred with a name like that.



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Jeremy Kyle Paternity Test

...and she said "when I were likkle, I were a likkle bit cullerd"



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Come along, chop-chop, busy people, busy lives!

I was in Superdrug buying a few bit and pieces. Superdrug is the type of store that if you wander around it for too long, you'll find that what you initially came in for is forgotten about and before you know it, you've got candy-floss coloured nail polish, extra-sensitive hair removal cream, tea-tree oil spot treatment and aloe vera tissues.

When I got to the queue there were loads of people ahead of me and I normally do one of two things. I either start playing with my iPod until I get to the cash register or I start surreptitiously removing the unnecessaries from my basket until I'm left with what I really need.

Before I knew it, it was time for me to pay, but I looked in my hand-basket and realised that I really didn't need the £10 tooth-whitening treatment or the purple eye-liner so I proceeded to take a few items out while the cashier was waiting.

I then heard the cashier say hurry up, people are waiting to pay. I didn't look up because surely this Bint wasn't talking to me. Then she banged the basket with veiny hands sporting multi-coloured acrylics and said in a very loud voice, "madam, if you didn't want it, you shouldn't pick it up in the first place"!

I didn't say a word. I tipped the basket upside down on top of the counter. I watched a can of Sure deodorant roll across the counter and hit the floor and for some reason, I kicked it across the shop. Before I made my exit, I knocked over the display of half price Nivea creams and they all came crashing down. I decided to buy my toiletries elsewhere and pay Boots a visit; feeling quite satisfied with myself.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Storm

They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... she screamed!!

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on.

They knew it was wrong.

Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors.

Just the faint click of a camera!!!



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Careless Whisperer is a Careless Driver

George Michael yet again has been taken to the police station because he crashed his car into a shop to 3.30am. His range rover was caught on CCTV mounting the pavement. The unfortunate shop was the Hampstead Branch of Snappy Snaps.

Apparently, he was breathalysed and found not to be drunk and they didn't find any drug paraphernalia around him to indicate that he was high, buzzing or tripping.

So all I can say is George Michael isn't good at driving because this is the seventh time that George has been arrested on a driving offence. If he's not falling asleep behind the wheel, he's intoxicated at the wheel or he's just plain old crashing into an inanimate object. If I were a psychologist, I'd say that Mr Michael was trying to tell us something with his repeated motor offences.

He's a dangerous driver and if he doesn't kill an innocent member of the public, he's going to end up killing himself.

He should stick to doing what he's good at and that's singing and song-writing and leave the driving stuff to the professionals.

You can't drive George, get a Chauffeur!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries