Give back what! Are you mad?

A bank robber held up the high street bank. He then left the bank and coolly strolled down Hampshire High street and then threw the money up in the air. The notes were up for grabs for every passer by.

People started grabbing what they could. It wasn't very much to go around. It turns out that the bank robber's loot was a mere £1,600.

Barclays bank said that £300 was handed back!

HANDED BACK? Are they crazy??

I'm not going to lie, I would not be one of the bystanders handing back a penny. Sorry. Not after all the bank charges I've had to endure all these years. Oh hell no. I've been hurt, bitten and stung by a high street bank or two. So no, no money handing back business from me.

I would have been straight into Debenhams with the loot, buying things I want but don't need. If only it happened in Battersea High Street. I would have been straight in there, swatting the floating money with a great big net.

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The August Mayfield Diaries

An August Moment

I tell the truth... even when I lie.



Tony Montana, SCARFACE

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The August Mayfield Diaries

The Dog Police are coming to get me!

I've been working extra shifts at work recently. There's nothing I like better than to see my bank balance rising due to hard work. I've covered the early morning shift, the late evening shift, the graveyard shift and anything in between.

For this reason, my sleep pattern went up the wall so I decided to enforce 12 hours of slumber by taking 2 sleeping tablets.

I popped the container and loads fell onto the floor. Before I could retrieve them, my dog decided to lick them all up and run away!

I chased him around the living room but he ran off into the garden and hid. Within 20 minutes, he dragged his sleepy carcass back into the house and fell asleep on his bed.

Well it's been 9 hours now and he's still fast asleep. I can't imagine what I'm going to tell the vet if he doesn't wake up in a minute.

Good thing I wasn't taking recreational drugs otherwise he'd be dancing around the living room to rave music and trying to share his love with everyone. I don't know what's worse! Him sleeping for 24 hours or him dancing around the house trying to share "free love" with everyone he comes into contact with.

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The August Mayfield Diaries

I'll kill you if you touch my baby

This mama bear shows her maternal instinct when her baby got caught in a net.



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The August Mayfield Diaries

My bra attempted to murder my washing machine

The washing machine started making a terrible noise about two weeks ago. I chose to ignore this and wrap myself in the cloak of denial. I could hear the vicious noise it was making, my children could hear the vicious noise it was making and I'm sure my neighbours could hear it too but because the washing machine was new, I thought it's just teething problems. We're probably not used to it. Maybe it's supposed to sound like a Harley-Davidson.

But then suddenly, it decided to just stop. It wouldn't go and it wouldn't let out the water so I had no choice but to call the Service Centre for an engineer.

I felt as if they were trying to fob me off because they asked me a load of questions and then gave me a list of things to do before they send someone out to come and have a look at it. I said to myself what lazy sons of b*tches; trying to get me to do their work.

Anyway, I did what I was told. Unscrew this, check that, pull the other.

When I got to the water outlet, I was told to turn a knob which would let out all the water and then feel for a blockage.

When I felt for a blockage, out came the under-wire from brassiere! It's funny because I actually thought to myself last week that my bra was lopsided but I just put it down to my imagination. I threw the bra away just in case the other wire decided to come out and murder the washing machine.

So now it's working as good as new and I'm very pleased with myself because I'm now a washing machine engineer sort of!

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Always use your dictionary or spellcheck!

Tattoo's are a funny thing. Either you love them or you hate them.

Also, they're very moreish! Once you've had one done, you want more and more and more. Lucky for me, the last one I had done hurt so much that it's put me off for life. I'll never get another tattoo. They say never say never! Well never, never, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!

Let's hope that the poor unfortunate who decided to mark himself for life with TOMARROW NEVER KNOWS will learn a lesson from his stupid tattoo mistake. I'd laser it off in a heartbeat otherwise it's simply a reminder of how dumb I am.



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The August Mayfield Diaries

Frig Your Job! I Resign.

JetBlue Air Steward, Steven Slater kindly told one of his passengers to sit down while the aeroplane was still in motion but his feisty passenger insisted on getting some of her luggage out of the overhead baggage compartment while the plane was still on the runway after arrival at New York's JFK airport.

When the female passenger was told by Steven to sit down and wait, she said "f*** you" and grabbed her carry-on case, cutting the Air Steward on the forehead with her bag.

So Steven decided to get on the public address system and said:

"I've had it! To the motherf***** who just told me to f*** off, F*** YOU. I've been in this business for 20 years and that's it. I'm done".

He then announced his resignation over the public address system, grabbed a cold beer from the galley, activated the jet's emergency slide, threw his luggage down the slide and then slid down and headed for his car.

A neighbour said about 50 police officers turned up at Slater's home in Belle Harbour, New York, to arrest him. He was found in bed with his boyfriend.

He's been charged with criminal mischief and reckless endangerment.

His neighbour added that sadly, Steven's father had died recently and he was caring for his dying mother and enough was enough.

Personally, I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to tell various employers to **** themselves, **** their job and shut the **** up because I don't need this s***!!

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The August Mayfield Diaries

The August Mayfield Diaries

Me Dear? Snob Dear? No Dear!

It turns out that I'm a snob. Verbally, I'd deny this statement all the way, but my shameful snobbery can't be hidden.

Last week, I saw my son walking down the street with three of his friends. They didn't notice me at first. They were loud – I was horrified. Two out of four were wearing their trousers way too low so I could see their underwear – totally unacceptable. My son, the actual child I gave birth to, was eating hot food from his hands – what a disgrace; and when they saw me, the frenzy of trying to straighten up and look respectable made them look like scattering cockroaches when you turn on the kitchen light in the middle of the night in a condemned building.

Read more ...

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Happy Ever After

It's my mum and dad's 47th Wedding Anniversary today.

I'm very happy that they've made it this far. It's made the family stronger and richer for it and they're a fabulous example for their children and grand-children. I know in my heart that with a lot of love and a lot of luck, you can get together, marry each other, have children, build a life together and still be happy with each other until death do you part.

My dad said to me that if I don't get cracking and find me a husband, he's going to have to act like an Indian father and arrange a marriage for me because if I don't get started, the world will have ended by the time I say I do!

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Go Shorty, it's your birthday!

Another birthday has brushed up against me to make me remember that time stands still for no one!

I managed to celebrate it with people who were generous enough to tell me that I don't look a day over 21. They didn't see me the night before plucking out the grey hairs. Nor did they see me sleeping with my anti-aging cucumber gel face mask and they didn't see me jumping up and down trying to force my belly and batty into a Spanx body-shaper so that I wasn't sticking out at all sides in my too-tight dress.

For the first time in years, I didn't go absolutely berserk as if I was celebrating the last birthday I was ever going to have... so I must be getting old or maybe mature or grown up.

I even decided to buy myself a painting instead of blowing my birthday money on several pairs of shoes. Although between me and you, I bullied my children into buying me a pair of shoes. I badgered them while they were in the middle of a deep sleep and said I know what I want for my birthday... SHOES! I told them the price, asked for their wallets and made a grab for the cash and ran!

Anyway, Happy Birthday to Me! And Happy birthday to my fellow Leo's.

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The August Mayfield Diaries

OMG, it's a snake!

This is exactly how I reacted when my ex-boyfriend came sniffing around my house begging forgiveness. I climbed on top of the wall, stamped on all the flowers in the front garden, stepped on the dog and accidentally kicked over my niece as I was trying to make a getaway.

My ex is a snake too!



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The August Mayfield Diaries

Did she mean to say that out loud?

"I have this weird thing
that if I sleep with someone
they’re going to take
my creativity from me
through my vagina"

Lady Gaga

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Drunk Kitty Cat

Actually, the kitty's not really under the influence of alcohol or narcotics, it's recovering from sedation after a visit to the vet.



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The August Mayfield Diaries

Five important tips for a woman...

1. It is important that a man has a job and also helps you around the house.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

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The August Mayfield Diaries

I'm not about to go grey gracefully!

Model Kristen McMenamy at age 44 has decided to go grey gracefully.

This is something I've already decided I'm NOT GOING TO DO. Not under any circumstances whatsoever. I have no problem with people who choose to do this grey thing. Good luck to them! It probably suits them anyway. They must have their reasons for doing so, but I'm not going to join them. Having grey hair is so not for me.

I'm going to fight it to the death or until I just can't be bothered to fight it anymore.

The few sprigs of grey that appear every now and then get plucked out from the root and when I have too many grey hairs in my barnet to pluck out, I'll start dying it.

Here are some ladies who agree with me that going grey just because you're over 30 is not the done thing.



Sarah Jessica Parker, 45; Lucy Lui, 41; Vanessa Williams, 47

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Tom Cruise shaking his money maker

Tom Cruise dances his arse off as he resumes his role as Les Grossman from the film Tropic Thunder in a dance routine at the 2010 MTV Awards.



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The August Mayfield Diaries