Strictly Come Dancing

I wish to God on Heaven that Ann Widdecombe would do some real dancing on Strictly Come Dancing instead of being dragged around all over the floor like a dead weight by her poor dancing partner, Anton Du Beke. His back must be killing him!

But as much as she doesn't dance or can't dance, the British public keep on voting to keep her in. The British truly love an under-dog!



It's a shame that some of Strictly Come Dancing's dance routines aren't exciting and young; they need to inject some rhythm and soul into that show like the Canadian version called So You Think You Can Dance.

Ann needs a reggae routine. She should knock back some neat Wray & Nephew rum and put on a pair of gold batty riders and a belly top, braid her hair and dance properly - not just get dragged around like a rag-doll. That's the only way she's going to win on merit and not from pity.



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The August Mayfield Diaries

An August Moment

"If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)



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A Comedy Moment

If you don't like swearing... look away now (yeah that means you as well mum)!



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Men Aren't Dogs

I went out last night for few glasses of lady petrol with my friend Deena. She's been licking her wounds because of yet another failed relationship. She's had rotten luck over the years with her chosen boyfriends. Her latest beau was fooling around and got a girl pregnant; so of course Deena's devastated because she really loved this one.

After a few glasses too many, Deena became louder and louder, declaring that all men are dogs. I said no Deena, you can't say that. Not all men are the same. Some women are very lucky. They have devoted boyfriends and husbands who don't belong to someone else. They're not looking for a woman to make a fool out of. Some men out there actually desire a monogamous relationship just like we do. A lot of men want to get married and settle down and it's not under duress either. So I said to her that I personally don't believe that ALL men are dogs.

Deena became belligerent and was shouting yes they are. They're all dogs. They're all b*stards. They always hurt me. They always make an idiot out of me. They always cheat on me. I've done nothing wrong. I'm a good person; I'm fun to be around, I'm kind, I'm patient and I'm good in bed. I said sshh, you're making a scene.

She said August ALL MEN ARE DOGS and you know it. Don't act like you don't know it. Look how many times you've been deceived and dumped. Remember how fabulous you looked when you found out George was cheating on you. The stress, misery, pain and shame made you drop 2 dress sizes. I said Deena, I've also met some very nice men too. Deena said then where are they then? And why are you still single you lying spinster!

I said look, men aren't dogs. I've got a dog. My dog follows me around the house like he loves me, he cries outside the bathroom door if I'm taking too long in there. He growls and barks at people who aren't welcome, sits by my feet when he wants comfort and lays by the bed when I'm relaxing and practically wets himself when I come through the door! Oh, Deena said. I guess men aren't like dogs at all then. That's kinda like an insult to dogs!

Then Deena stood up and held her glass up in the air and said Taxi to Battersea Dogs Home!

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Not in front of your mamma!

My method of parenting is very much like Rochelle, the mother in Everybody Hates Chris. She gets my vote when it comes to keeping your kin in line. Rochelle with a little dose of Judge Judy injects a good dose of healthy fear within any household!



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What the hell kinda Cartoon Charater is this?

The Muscle Monster

Look, I'm a traditional woman who should have been born in the dark ages because I'm mostly attracted to very masculine men. I don't like pretty boys like Will Smith or David Beckham. I don't like feminine hairstyles, manicured nails and fru-fru shirts. I appreciated a thick-set, deep voiced, very hairy, slightly menacing looking kind of man who looks like he'd eat his competitor for breakfast.

But stop... look at this fool!

A man's not supposed to look like a cartoon character. I mean who's attracted to this? Just him I expect. I bet he looks in the mirror and thinks he's an absolute dish.

Can you imagine this in a suit? Or sitting at your dining table? Wouldn't you just kill the person who set you up with him as your blind date? Wouldn't it be awful sharing the arm-rest with him at the cinema! Can he drive a normal sized car? Could you really see this thing laying on your bed?

Jesus take the wheel!

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Thank You Commentators!

I'd like to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to comment on The August Mayfield Blog and Anyone for Shoes. I've been "off air" for a couple of months but that was just a temporary measure.

You know what it's like when you have to go underground to hide from the Metropolitan Police, the Yardies, the Mafia and the Chinese Dragons!!

But my dad paid the ransom and I'm good to go again.

In all seriousness people, THANK YOU for taking the time to send in your comments. It means a lot when you talk back to me and talk to each other.



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries