I could tell by his shoes!

I was asked to work a 12 hour night shift by my manager last night but I was not amused when I found out I'd be working side-by-side with Ken, the office odd-bod.

I don't like him one little bit; he gives me the creeps. To some people, he might appear "normal", but my female instincts seem to go on red alert when he comes near me. He breaths too hard for a start. I can always hear him before I see him; breathing heavily and greedily like the oxygen in the air's not enough for him. Kinda like Chewbacca with the volume turned down.

Ken's lips seem unusually pink and moist and he's always licking them and not in a sexy LL Cool J kinda way. Ken's lip thing makes my belly turn over like I want to do a sick in my mouth.

His hands are damp and I see him wiping them on his trousers which by the end of the day have snail like trails on them and it's a nauseating sight. Smeared trousers can never be a good look! And Ken always finds a reason to touch. Not entirely inappropriately but definitely unnecessarily.

And look at his screen saver - The Grim Reaper! How am I supposed to feel about that during a night shift?

I knew I didn't like him the day I met him when he turned up for his interview.

The first thing I noticed was his shoes. You know the kind; creeping quietly on suspicious feet. He was waiting in the lobby for my manager and I saw a pair of feet sticking out and nervously tap-tap-tapping and from then, I found the persistent motion irritating. From the sight of his shoes alone, I knew I wouldn't like him, so I was horrified when he was employed.

Last night, he poured me a cup of coffee from his flask. Well I wasn't having any of that nonsense. Before you know it, I'd be slumped over my desk with his sweaty hands all over me, under the spell of his roofies!

Call me paranoid. Call me what you like but my waters tell me to keep an eye on Mr Ken. I don't trust him one little bit.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Beauty and the Beast

I think that Gordon Ramsey can often look like a blond Simon Cowell. With his coiffured hair and dazzling white expensive cosmetic teeth.

In some circles, Gordon Ramsey is regarded as handsome and I'm sure he thinks he's quite a catch himself.

But Oh Lordy; place him next to David Beckham and he looks like he's put his face in a hornets nest!


That's what you get for standing next to the young, handsome David Beckham.

Gordon claims he became swollen after having petrol pured over him (that's a long story) but I don't think that's the case! The minute he moves away from David Beckham, it's quite likely that he'll again become more pleasing to the eye!!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

He took my breath away!

I saw the finest specimen of a man yesterday at precisely 8.37pm and I became totally speechless. This speech affliction has never happened to me before ever in my whole life. Even when I was forced to sing All Things Bright and Beautiful against my wishes at primary school, my voice, miraculously appeared but sadly, yesterday my voice was clearly missing.

I went to visit my friend Bobby yesterday because he just got out of hospital after having an operation on his knee and this gorgeous vision of a man came to visit Bobby just as I was leaving. Talking of Bobby’s knee; I’m not surprised his knee’s broken because he keeps bending down on it and proposing to me. We can’t marry. He doesn’t love me. He's simply bored and lonely. Plus, he’s already married. Married but separated and he’s not seen his run-away-bride since she ran off with the man who ran the Chinese Takeaway in 2003. But he’s still married and I have no desire to take part in Bobby’s polygamy!

The gentleman in question had the most beautiful brown eyes, they were like the colour of my teddy bear when I was a child. Sorry but you won’t be able to visualise this colour unless of course you had the same teddy bear as mine. His eyelashes were so long and luscious he could have been in a Mabelline advert. I managed to lift my hand and wave when he said hello which looking back on it now was completely inappropriate and child-like. I hope I didn’t look like I’d escaped from the nut-house waving like that. I cringe just thinking about it.

I’ll shut up in a minute but this man stepped right out of my ideal man dream and I didn’t even tell him so and now I feel as if I should have said something. Done something; anything. Plump up my cleavage. Hand over my phone number... anything-bloody-thing!

The worst bit is Bobby would rather stab me in the heart with a rusty knife than take part in acquainting me with his friend, that gorgeous man, the so-called man of my dreams.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Oh to be Old and Cantankerous...

...A.K.A. a Pain in the 'What' who couldn't give a What-What!

I've told my family that when I'm really very old, if I still have my 'marbles' in tact, I'm going to pretend that I have not one marble, not even half a marble and I'll be a complete pain. I'll miss my aim in the commode on purpose. I'll intentionally call people the wrong names or names which I think are more appropriate and I'll not even bother to remember stuff that I quite frankly can't be bothered to talk about. So if I'm asked did I smear my mashed potatoes and pureed lamb on the wall, I'll pretend that the little green man who sits at the end of my bed did it.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

She thinks she can straighten you out

A psychotherapist was convinced that she had the power to convert a gay man who said he wanted to change his sexuality to become heterosexual. News reports say that she could be struck off this week which means she would lose her accreditation with the British Medical Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy.

The Psychotherapist agreed to help her patient to become heterosexual but the 'patient' was under the mission of skulduggery because he was an undercover journalist and a gay rights campaigner who had a hidden tape recorder while counselling was in session.

Also, the Psychotherapist was taped saying that she thought being gay was a mental illness and anti-religious. Mr Undercover Tape Recorder Man must have been rubbing his hands together when he heard this.

The Psychotherapist confessed that her son is gay and still gay despite her efforts, and added that "we are developing a relationship that was quite difficult for many years but is now coming back in a very nice way".

I think that sexual preferences, regardless of what they are, is without question, complicated! For a start, I'd hate to be a therapist responsible for a patient who was asking to be un-gayed.

I like wearing fluffy bunny rabbit ears and leopard-print handcuffs when in the privacy of my own you-know-what. I wonder what Ms Psychotherapist would make of that? Would she be obliged to report me to the RSPCA or the police?

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Don't Come Knocking on MY Overies Just Because You've Turned 40!

What in the world has happened to my male friends? I just got off the phone with one of them and he's been asking me some very bizarre questions, like how do I feel about him and where do I stand regarding love & marriage. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was drunk and I know he shouldn't be hammered because it's 10 o'clock in the morning.

These male friends are propositioning me and asking me marital questions simply because they're looking for someone to shackle themselves to because their bachelor days are over.

I know I'm an eligible bachelorette but I have no desire to marry my platonic friend. Also, a couple of evil exes have been scratching in the dirt for a wife and looking in my direction because I'm single. Oh Hell No! We've been there and an ex is an ex for a reason. Can you believe I got that "ex is an ex" phrase from my niece; she who was only just born the other day... even she, a mere child knows what's what!!

To think that some of these guys have been my friend since I was in primary school. I've seen them grow from boys who were snotty nosed irritants to muscular babe magnets (in some cases). From boys to men. I've seen their girlfriends, after girlfriend after girlfriend. I know their dirt. I've been told stories that would make your hair curl and now... NOW that they're single and lonely and getting old, pot-bellied and grey haired; some don't have hair anymore - they're looking in my direction as if I'm some single-man saviour. Or worse still - Plan B.

Well DON'T LOOK AT ME Mr Bachelor Man!

For years upon years, right up until recently, I was "the friend" and now they're getting ready to declare love and fixing to go on bended knee.

Oh please.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Ben Underwood Touched my Heart

I ran into the story of Ben Underwood while watching TV a couple of years ago.

As a child he was struck with cancer which left him blind but Ben's mother encouraged Ben not to feel sorry for himself and use the senses that he had to live a life which wouldn't leave him feeling disabled. She made him aware that life doesn't stop without sight.



Something made me return to Ben's story. I saw another child using his method of Echolocation. Sadly, on my journey to track Ben's progress, I found out that he died of cancer.

Words cannot express my sadness. I guess I'll go away with the lesson that we don't always need eyes to see.



Ben Underwood - 26 January 1992 - 19 January 2009

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The car went bump and then I saw cat fur!

I bet you can't guess what happened to me this morning.

I ran over the neighbour's cat!

I must say... he's a fast little bugger.

I had to slam on the accelerator to get on to the other side of the road to get him.

Don't mind me - it's just jokes!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Oh No He Didn't!

OK now, my friend Eve was dating a guy called Jerry. She introduced me to this Jerry type character at his friend's barbecue last summer and I took an instant dislike to him. Within 15 minutes of knowing Jerry, he handed me a napkin while we were having some food at the table but instead of putting it in my hand, he tucked it into my cleavage area.

It was bad enough that on meeting him, I thought there was something about the rodent about him but when he did that napkin thing, I said to Eve that I thought his behaviour was totally out of order and if he tried anything lecherous on me again, I'd show him very clear signs to make him cease & desist. Eve decided I was over-reacting and from that point onwards, she never told me anything about Jerry again.

I knew they were still seeing each other for a few months but because Eve was well aware that I couldn't stomach Jerry, she kept details of their relationship to herself. Praise Jesus! That was until she started seeing someone brand new. She left Jerry for Paul. Jerry didn't appreciate this quickety-quick switch one little bit and told Eve that the only reason why he dated her in the first place was because he didn't have anything better to do! What a frigging LIBERTY. That's fighting talk.

I didn't say much to Eve about this Paul and Jerry merry-go-round. All I know is I always thought Jerry looked like something that lived in the dark so good riddance to bad rubbish. I'd be happy to never clap eyes on him again... with his filthy little napkin trick!

Eve's relationship with Paul abruptly came to end when Paul decided that he was going to go back to his wife for Christmas so out of either loneliness or stupidity or both, Eve started talking to Jerry again.

Jerry invited Eve to a New Year's Eve party and she agreed to go with him. I kept my mouth tightly closed because I knew if I opened my big trap about Eve going out with Jerry again, we'd fall out. Because I clearly remember Jerry telling Eve that HE ONLY DATED HER BECAUSE HE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO AND HE FELT SORRY FOR HER!!

I guess it will come as no surprise to you when I tell you that Jerry threw a glass of champagne in Eve's face after the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. The Rodent said Eve was flirting with one of his friends. The guy in question drove Eve home with her smudged mascara and damp false eyelashes and she's not heard a word from Jerry since.

I knew there was something of the rodent about Jerry. I can't imagine where Eve's sensibilities disappeared to but she better hurry up and go back to the place where she last saw it because without it, she's acting like an complete arse.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Chocolat!

Watching the French film 'Chocolat' today, I saw a scene where they were pouring liquid chocolate onto roasted chicken and I'm ashamed to say, it looked absolutely delicious!

It was sexy and seductive and my mouth started watering straight away. Everyone had their clothes on, no one was locking lips; it was just pure unadulterated seduction seeing the marriage of chocolate and chicken. Call me what you like!

I have to try it but I'm afraid. I’m afraid that I’m going to fall in love with the taste and become addicted. I can see myself pouring chocolate on my toast and scrambled egg in the morning. I can see myself pouring chocolate on my tuna pasta at
lunchtime and I can almost taste it in my mouth right now. The very thought of chicken covered in chocolate gives me shivers in places I would rather not mention and I’m absolutely sure my temperature's rising and my skin's a bit clammy!



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

An August Moment

Don't be Preyed Upon

Like wolf pups, women need a similar initiation, one which teaches that the inner and outer worlds are not always happy-go-lucky places.

Many women do not even have the basic teaching about predators that a 'world-mother' gives her pups, such as:

IF IT'S THREATENING AND BIGGER THAN YOU, FLEE;

IF IT'S WEAKER, SEE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO; IF IT'S SICK, LEAVE IT ALONE;

IF IT HAS QUILLS, POISON, FANGS OR RAZOR SHARP CLAWS, BACK UP AND GO IN THE OTHER DIRECTION;

IF IT SMELLS NICE BUT IS WRAPPED AROUND METAL JAWS, WALK ON BY.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women who Run with the Wolves

You don't have to be nice when you come face-to-face with angry Prey.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Man dies after attempting to rescue his dog

It's truly sad when someone loses their life in a rescue attempt. The gates of heaven must truly be open for anyone who dies trying to save a life.

In this case, a father in Brighton and his 13 year old daughter lost their two Jack Russell dogs in the water off the Brighton sea-front but it appears that the man in question somehow lost his footing and hit his head and fell into the water and it all became a tragedy when the ambulance team took him to hospital but were unable to save him.

My dog better not do that running off into the water thing unless he's wearing an inflated rubber ring. As much as I love him, I'm no hero and I'm not prepared to die of hypothermia if he decides to run off into the icy waters.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Nature's Jewel

I hate bugs, especially nasty things like cockroaches. If you catch sight of a cockroach; wherever you are, you feel as if you're slumming it.

As for people who keep hairy spiders... they've got to be half-way crazy. Who in their right mind keeps a motherfather of a spider as a pet? A PET!!



Early Morning Dew on an Unsuspecting Insect that's no bigger than an ant

I've got to admit, I was quite mistified as to why I didn't vomit up my breakfast when I saw the bejewelled insect in the photograph. It actually looks beautiful.

I guess it just goes to show; throw on a few diamonds, sapphires and rubies on something (or someone) ugly and suddenly it turns into a vision of beauty.
Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

I'm gonna work it like a part time job!

OK Team Mayfield, it looks like I've put on a couple of pounds over the Christmas period. I'm going to say this quietly... between me and you, I've put on 8lbs of lady love!

LADY LOVE: Yes, that's what I'm going to call it because I can't see myself defining me by Topshop's mannequins. I'm not she & she's not me.

Dumplings, turkey, coconut rice and steak have enhanced my bazooka's - YEAH!! I was absolutely gob-smacked when I lost a few grains of rice which fell off the fork and down my new found cleavage but "gob-smacked and happy". I don't know what it is about bosoms, but to see mine as round as they were when I was 19 makes me feel fab; so thank you duck in honey-orange sauce and mum's butter dashed sweet mashed potatoes.

If I just put some curls in my hair, hold in my stomach, turn the lights down low and smear pink lipstick over my mouth, I look like a UK version of Nicki Minaj, if you squint a bit.

So 2011, see my flesh... HEAR ME ROAR!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The God Given Gift of a Great Voice

It's amazing when you're down and out and homeless and think that life is nothing but the same old same old and then suddenly, you're 'struck with luck' because something fabulous happens to you and changes your life.



...and what does momma have to say about all this?



Have a good weekend my lovely people and watch out for some good luck.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

This is what CRAZY looks like

The Republican - A speech with strange emotion and conviction.



Drastic times requires what? Drastic measures and don't you f***** forget it!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Just Jokes

Jesus is Watching You!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'



The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

The parratt winked at the large shadow coming out of the darkness and then said

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries