The August Mayfield Diaries

Arrange Me a Marriage

I wish my family would arrange me a marriage.

I've met one wrong man after the other. Sometimes they're wrong from the start. Other times they turn wrong after a few weeks. The clever ones don't bring out the wrong for several months, but it all ends up the same way. My bitter tears. If I keep on making the same mistake time and time again, I'm going to end up 'spinster-old', in a rocking chair, sitting by my dusty window, surrounded by my 50 cats.

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Just Jokes!

Relocation, Relocation

A man who makes coffins and caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his vehicle broke down.

Trying not to be late for his appointment, he put the coffin on his head and began jogging to his destination because it was now getting dark.

Some Jamaican policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him; basically they had a bribe in mind, so they challenged him:

"Hey!!! Wha dat yuh a carry an which part yuh goin?!"

The man said, "I don't like which part dem bury mi, so mi a relocate".

One Policemen screamed DUPPY and they both ran for their lives!

The August Mayfield Diaries

My Chick Bad - Ludacris

I love this song. In fact, I love Ludacris. He's one of the few rappers who's speaking voice is just as sexy as when he's in mid-flow.

I love My Chick Bad off his current album. He's bragging about his woman and there's nothing sexier than your man showing off about you.

I'm a sucker for all that My Chick Bad stuff. When I was about 20, I remember my boyfriend saying to his friend "August is hot like pepper and she's a f****** diamond, she puts your girl to shame"!

Oh to be young and "hot like pepper". Those were the days.




The August Mayfield Diaries

Oh My God, Beyoncé's Black!

OK, OK!! Out of context, this skin-colouring business is controversial and bizarre. But people, Beyoncé is simply taking part in the 90th anniversary issue of French magazine L'Officiel Paris. She'll be on the cover of the magazine in March. In this issue, they're celebrating the Nigerian musician Fela Kuti. The theme for the spread was “African Queen”.

Some publications have said about the photo shoot that Beyoncé was "daubed" in brown paint! As if some aggressive French art director threw brown paint at her and it started running down her face.

Another magazine said Beyoncé's doing "black face" which to me is such a derogatory term that the writer should be ashamed to say it. It's idiotic comments like these which take that one particular picture in the photo shoot out of context quite unnecessarily!

L'Officiel have published photographs of Beyoncé in African queen-inspired outfits, including head wraps, tribal clothing and jewellery. It's a shame these were not emphasized too.

I'm sticking up for B in this instance. I don't think she did anything wrong at all. Like I said before, it's just fashion.

Check out the behind-the-scenes video below...




The August Mayfield Diaries

Ellen Degeneres and Ben Affleck on the Ellen Show

I love the Ellen Degeneres show. In the video clip, she's with Ben Affleck, trying to guess which part of the world he's from.

Personally, I'm only ever good at accents when I'm trying to chase people off the phone by pretending they've got the wrong number. It works a treat!

I can pronounce "she don't live here anymore" and "you must have the wrong number" in about five different accents.




The August Mayfield Diaries

I've got stupidest friend in the world!

But she's funny, rich and a party animal and I love her to death but let me tell you...

...my same said friend met a guy on Monday.

She was sleeping with him on Tuesday.

They went to an all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant on Wednesday.

She bought him a Gucci man-bag on Thursday. I think that's the same day she took a home pregnancy test!

They had a fight on Friday. He attacked her and smashed her iPhone on the floor.

They made up on Saturday.

On Sunday... he asked her to lend him £400 to help him to pay his Child Support back payments – she said yes by the way.

And today's she's bawling on the phone (the house phone) all bloody evening (he smashed her mobile on Friday, remember?) Anyway, she's been getting on my damn nerves because he's been avoiding her calls.

All I can say is a foolish woman with money is like a broken pencil... POINTLESS!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Like Chalk & Cheese

Nearly every time my sister or I introduce one another to strangers, we have to explain to them that we really are sisters, we really are blood related and we do in fact have the same mum and dad.

The problem with me and Sheba is the fact that she looks just like my dad and I'm the spitting image of my mother so we look like total strangers!

However, I've become a little disturbed lately at people's comments; they're beginning to make me feel inferior. Sheba gets the wow factor. I get ahh, bless! Men and women stare at her all the time. Complete strangers walk up to her in the street and tell her what beautiful eyes she has. This NEVER happens to me.

No one gasps and looks at me in awe or wonder. I have no one come up to me in the street to tell me how beautiful I am and I'm sick to death of people looking at me with pity because they think I'm an ugly duckling, the runt of the family, the poor unfortunate child!

Sheba and me attended a party last week where I knew most of the people there so was making a lot of introductions. When the 10th person's mouth dropped open when I said "...and this is my sister Sheba" I said to Sheba the next time that happens, I'm going to stab them in the eye!

I've got to admit, I'm not jealous at all. I'm very proud that my sister's beautiful.

Well someone had to get the brains... mee-ow!!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Kanye West Featuring Rihanna

I've come across a video by two very famous entertainers that people love to hate! I swear, I heard someone on TV say the other day that they HATE Rihanna with a passion... WHY? What's she done, Chris Brown and tattoo's. Is that so bad?

I don't know why some sad people take the behaviour of singers, actors and various famous people so seriously. Cancer's serious, not entertainment.

Even a journalist who ought to know better by the name of Yasmin Alibhai-Brown was so vexed by Beyoncé's "too-pale-for-a-black-woman" skin tone, she insisted in her article in the Daily Mail that Mrs Jay Z has been bleaching her skin and isn't proud to be black! In fact, the whole article was an emotional load of Alibhai cack!

Also, the press seem to be complaining a lot lately that Rihanna's always got her legs out or too much flesh on show.

Who gives a sh**? Why should I care if Rihanna doesn't wear a bra and dresses like a sex machine? She's young! And we only live once. Plus it's her life.

As for Kayne, I just think he's petulant and talks before he thinks sometimes, but I lean towards thinking that in terms of his music, he's super talented.

Plus, I haven't got the time to pour passion into the hatred of people I actually don't know.

Anyway, click below if you want to see Kayne West and Rihanna's new video; which I so-happen to love, or skip along if the thought of them makes your bum-hole twitch!!



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

An August Moment

When you're 20 you've got the face God gave you.

When you're 30 you’ve got the face you created.

When you're 40 you've got the face you deserve.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Christina Aguilera Can Surely Sing...

...despite being slap-bang in the middle of an annus horribilis.

The poor girl at her tender age is already a divorcée which has lead to rumours that she's become a Hollywood Lush in order to drown her sorrows!

Also, at the very end of her stunning Grammy performance recently, she had a little slip. It made rumours of her being a lush slightly more believeable. She also forgot some of the lyrics while she was singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. It can't be a bed of roses right now for Ms A.

Speaking of beds, apparently, she recently gate-crashed actor Jeremy Renner’s 40th birthday party and got so drunk that she was later found sleeping in his bed!

You never know, all this drama might make her a better singer. What with all the raw emotion.

Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Florence Welch and Yolanda Adams pay tribute to Aretha Franklin at the 2011 Grammy's Ceremony.



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Apple Philosophy

Women are like apples on trees

The best ones are at the top of the tree

Some men can't be bothered to reach for the good ones

They're afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt

Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy

So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them

When in reality they're amazing

They just have to wait for the right man to come along

One who's not afraid

The one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top

Because they value quality

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Rasta Mouse

The BBC have decided to put a bit of colour and ethnicity into one of their children's programmes.

May I introduce you to Rasta Mouse and the Easy Crew! A team of positive crime-fighting, mystery solving special agents.



Rasta Mouse Trivia: Allegedly, Reggae-Reggae Sauce man Levi Roots turned down the opportunity to be the voice of the crime fighting Rasta Mouse. He said having a rasta depicted as a mouse instead of a lion is demeaning!

More gossip?: Someone close to the show suggests there might be a little more to this spat. His management were asked if he'd like to invest in the show before it was aired. The answer wasn't positive, but they did indicate he might be interested in voicing the character. The producers didn't take it further and went looking for support elsewhere. Ouch!!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Have you been injured in a fall at work?

Broken your ankle on the council's cracked pavements?

Been hit on the head by construction workers' falling debris?

Broken your big toe when falling from a faulty ladder?

Been involved in an accident that wasn't your fault?

If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions - TOO BAD!

Because ambulance_chasing_lawyers.com@4you won't be winning you a massive cash settlement.

So stop throwing yourself on the ground in front of witnesses saying OH LORD JESUS TAKE ME NOW, MY NECK IS BROKEN and get back to work, you lazy, greedy, good for nothing, work-shy opportunist son of a b*tch!