Anyone for Laughs?

A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York for the Labour Day weekend. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Trinidadian, because he snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot red. They said, 'man, what happened to you?'

He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was the Barbadian's turn. In the morning, he arrived for breakfast with hair disheveled and eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'man, what happened to you? You look like mash-up crackers!'

He said, 'Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

The third night was the Jamaican's turn. Errol was a big burly rasta. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and looking fresh.

'Good morning,' he said. The others couldn't believe it! They said, 'man, what happened?'

He said, 'well, we got ready for bed. So I tucked Daryl into bed, kissed him good night and said 'good night my darling... '

The men all said in unison, 'then what happened'?

Errol said 'Daryl stayed up and watched me all night'.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Are you talking to me?

I went to the news agents this morning looking like a scrubber. I had on my son's hoodie, scruffy jogging bottoms, flip flops and my hair in a straggly bun.

I kept my head down so as not to be recognised by the locals in my area. That's how rough I looked.

As I approached the shop, I saw two men in my peripheral vision. I didn't really want to make eye contact just in case we knew each other. I really was a sight for sore eyes.

One guy was walking past me and the other guy was heading in my direction. As guy no. 1 walked past, he shouted HELLO SEXY! Well you could have knocked me down with a feather. Me? Sexy!!

I had my quick-wit head on. As soon as the guy shouted HELLO SEXY, I pointed to the other guy who was heading in my direction and said ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM OR ME? Which I thought was hilarious. Sadly, the man that I pointed to didn't find it funny at all. He gave me the kind of dirty look that says "don’t pull me into your filthy bath water"!

Oh well. I guess my sense of humour isn't everyone's cup of tea.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Balding men, would you opt for a hair transplant?

I happen to come from a family where male pattern baldness is hereditary. Some family members have been lucky enough to keep hold of their hair but most have lost it during their early 20s.


Bald Halle Berry, Rihanna and Tyra Banks

While I was little, say about four, I didn't have a clue that my dad didn't have any hair in the middle of his head. But one day, my dad was fixing the washing machine and while watching my dad doing his handiwork, I became fascinated by his bald patch. It was a remarkable missing area that I'd never seen before. I crept up close to him and rubbed my finger on the hairless skin and said "daddy, where's your hair gone"? I have no recollection of what he said to me but many years later, my mum said that my dad was very upset by my discovery of his missing hair. I guess it was another reminder of his hair loss!

It's not so bad these days because we're constantly told that men who lose their hair normally have a higher percentage of testosterone than men who manage to keep the hair on their head. Also, the "overt cover up" has all but disappeared and a lot of men are going for the "some off/all off" look. Having said all that, I'm sure most men would rather 20% less testosterone and 80% more hair if given the choice.

Hair Loss Clinics are now giving men the option to "grow their own". The procedure involves cutting away a strip of bountiful growth and re-applying it to the hairless area. It's the equivalent of a boob job!



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Baby Cheetah

It's hard to imagine something so cute would one day grow into an adult who would happily eat you for breakfast, sport or just for the hell of it.



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Gleaming White Gnashers

I know that a pair of beautiful, straight white teeth are the perfect look for a smile to be proud of but I think that some times, people take it a step too far.

For instance, Nicola Roberts of girl group, Girls Aloud. It's not that her new teeth are too perfect, it just looks a bit too big for her mouth.



Instead of cleaning her natural teeth and filling in gaps and improving the shape, she looks as if she's fished my nan's false teeth out of the glass beside her bed and put them on her naked gums.

What's the point of spending thousands and thousands of pounds at the orthodontist to end up looking like someone smashed out all of your teeth with a hammer and you were in a hurry to have them replaced with porcelain fakery which dominate your face.

It looks silly.



When God comes for his world, he's hardly going to recognise some of us!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

T-Mobile Flash Mob

I took my mother to the airport yesterday. She's decided to spend my inheritance, yet again, on a Caribbean cruise with her Pension Friends. They're flying to Barbados first and then they'll set sail. Mother's going to end this boat ride of hers in Jamaica where she'll meet up with my dad. Let's hope she doesn't fall in love with one of the cruise entertainers like my Aunt did in 1993. I've now got a Latin American cruise entertaining uncle who's the same age as me.

While bored and jealous at Gatwick, I was praying for a Flash Mob to entertain me like the one I've seen on a T-Mobile advert.



And this is the public's reation.



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

You can keep the ironing... I'm just not interested!

I love the warm weather. That's just what we have in London right now. Warm sunshine, t-shirts and flip-flops. Topless work-men. Cleavage aplenty. People in massive sunglasses and beautiful bright colours and happy smiling people, who in winter, normally snub you and wouldn't give you the time of day!

I love the sunshine but the one thing I hate about this weather is ironing.

My crushed clothing is a secret underneath my heavy coat when it's winter. BECAUSE I HATE IRONING WITH A PASSION.

I don't own an ironing board. My iron cost about £1.99 in the pound shop which couldn't have been a true pound shop because I had to add the extra 99p!

But Lord I detest ironing. This hatred comes from my childhood. It wasn't me who was the poor Cinderella, ironing weeks worth of my ugly sisters' clothes. Oh no. I just remember thinking how sad it was to watch my mother labouring under a cloud of starch and a steaming iron with piles of the family's clothing. And not just clothing; mother's labour included table cloths, bed linen and handkerchiefs.

My poor mum would be ironing for hours, sipping on a warm Guinness, pressing away for far too long while everyone else watched TV and I rememebr as a child-on-looker, it didn't look like a joyful thing to do.

I decided that when I grow up, I'll never iron and that's exactly what happened. Can I also add here that when I was about 12, our household iron blew up and burnt my wrist which scarred me physically and emotionally for life.

As I look at my burnt wrist, I'm reminded every day of my life that ironing's a mug's game.

So if you see me, I'm not a hobo or a tramp. Don't regard me with pity and don't shake your head with a small amount of shame on my behalf. I'm not a vagrant. I just don't care for ironing very much.

Sunshine exposes me to my hatred for the iron, so as much as I adore the sunshine, hot weather, billowy blouses, salivating over hot topless men and wearing pretty summer dresses, I will not, cannot, and have no desire to iron, ever, ever, ever.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

She’s been having secret shh!

I've just discovered that my celibate friend Lorraine is having secret "shh!" The only reason I accidentally tripped over this shock revelation is because I saw her packet of pills peaking out of her open drawer.

In all innocence, I said "OMIGOD, Lorraine, why on earth have you got contraceptive pills? They're not breath mints you know" and then I nosily attempted to reach for the pills to have a closer look.

Well I swear, the rapidity at which Lorraine banged shut her drawer, she could have severed my hand from my wrist. Where I got the speed to withdraw my paw from her drawer, God only knows.

So I said it again, "why have you got pills"? Lorraine said "Jesus August, what do you think?". Before I could utter another word or turn the air blue, she said "well actually August, I've been dying to tell you. I've been having a sexual relationship with a guy named Ben for about six weeks".

My mouth was so wide open that the sides hurt. Lorraine had to use her hand to physically shut my mouth. If she hadn't done that, I have a strong feeling that my mouth would still be wide open today.

Suddenly, the penny dropped as I slapped my forehead with the palm of my hand. Lorraine looked happy. She was glowing. She was wearing fashionable clothes and wearing makeup everyday. She also recently dyed her hair Rihanna Red and she generally seemed to have Va-Va-Voom.

I said to her "I'll shout at you for not telling me sooner but that's the least of my worries right now. SPILL"!

So she tells me this Ben character is 24. Lorraine's 40. He's not boyfriend material because he told her from the get go that he just wants to play the field. They hardly speak on the phone, never email, and only text to make the next shh! encounter. They don't socialise or date but have regular shh! sessions - as much as four times a week and three times each session. The lucky girl... hot, burning, no-strings-attached shh! with a young man. How fabulously fabulous.

I'm very happy for Lorraine, she's been on her own for a very long time so it must be nice to have fun with Mr Left while waiting for Mr Right. I can't deny that I'm a teenie-weenie bit jealous of Lorraine's arrangement. I could really do with a trip to Cougar Town for a little bit of secret shh!

Don't pay me no mind, I'm just showing off. I think if a toy boy was heading in my direction, I'd break out in hives.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

It's Just Jokes!

Vatican Humour

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" said the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" said the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pope floors it, accelerating the limo to 150 mph!

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" begs the driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the floor until they hear sirens coming after them in the distance.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license AND MY JOB!" bawls the driver from the backseat.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the officer takes one look at him, goes back to his police car and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the police officer tells him that he's stopped a limo going 150 mph.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the officer.

The Chief shouted,"good, all the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the officer with persistence.

The Chief asked, "Who is it? Michael Caine?"

Officer: "Bigger"

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"
Officer: "Bigger"

Chief: "Prince bloody William?"
Officer: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, "who the hell is it?"

Officer: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

Officer: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Tiger Woods is Dating Again...

...as if he ever stopped!

Lock up your daughters. Tiger Woods is on the prowl. This time he's picked up a 22 year old student, Alyse Lahti Johnston. Sadly, I've got hold of Alyse's mugshot. Yep, she's been done for Driving While Under the Influence (of alcohol)! She doesn't normally look this rough but I'm not feeling very generous this morning... sorry.

I don't know what happened in Tiger's formative years for him to keep on picking tramps, strippers and felons as girlfriends and bed-fellows. I guess everyone's got a story to tell as to why they are who they are today.

I could bend your ears for hours telling you about all the personality traits and bad habits I picked up from childhood but that's not happening right now. After all, I don't want to be responsible for you reaching for the Kleenex on my behalf, or worse still, you trying to commit suicide with a jagged knife by slitting your wrist with the plastic cutlery you normally use for spreading jam on your morning croissant at breakfast time.

So back to the Woods story. This time I'm talking about Elin, the ex Mrs Woods, Elin Nordegren. After the horrific shock of her husbands' past indiscretions, she's now settling into her new pad. A sprawling twelve million dollar mansion in Florida.



So Ms Nordegren, if you're reading this and thinking about a companion from overseas, I'm your girl. I could really do with twinkling my toes in a beautiful swimming pool in Florida but don't get it twisted, I'm not fixing myself for the position of cook, cleaner, secretary, nanny or your rebound lesbian lover. I'm only available for being your live-in 'friend'. I'm not crazy or a pariah but I have been known to be a bit of a diva with a love for expensive shoes.

Call me Elin!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Just for Laughs!

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally agreed to buy a talking centipede which came in a little white box.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the centipede in a box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "would you like to go to church with me today? We'll praise the Lord and have a good time."

But there was no answer from the centipede! He put his ear to the box but there was nothing but silence.

This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "how about going to church with me little man. We'll sing hymns and shout Glory Hallelujah and receive blessings."

But again, there was no answer from his new friend.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The man decided to invite the centipede to church one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted, "hey you in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord Jesus Christ?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first freaking time"!

"I'M PUTTING MY SHOES ON."

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Comic Relief

In terms of raising money for Comic Relief, I normally just buy a red nose where the proceedings go to charity.

This year, I managed to raise funds of just under £100. I did a charity aerobics session where we all had to dress head-to-toe in the colour red and no gym gear. We were instructed to wear our everyday clothes! Straight afterwards, I went to a bar and ordered chips with a garlic mayonnaise dip and a Mojito but it wasn't about me burning the calories - it was all about the money. The bar where I scoffed my chips and quaffed my cocktail were also raising money for Comic Relief so win-win!!

Here's a funny clip from BBC's Comic Relief Red Nose Day.



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

She solved her own kidnapping

Isn't life amazing. Truly amazing. There are some unexplainable events in our world which makes me realise that as much as bad news is reported on a daily basis, the really good stories exist and shouldn't go unreported.

Another thing which really makes me think, is the power of the gut feeling. You know the animal instinctual nagging instruction that just won't go away. This nagging feeling overwhelmed a woman who managed to solve her own kidnapping case.

A woman who was snatched as a newborn baby 23 years ago has successfully solved her own kidnap case.

When Carlina White was just 3 weeks old, she was abducted from Harlem Hospital in New York City in August 1987.

A missing persons report claimed that she was abducted by an unidentified woman disguised as a hospital nurse.

Carlina White was subsequently raised under the name Nejdra Nance in Bridgeport, Connecticut but she started questioning her identity in her late teens because she couldn't see any physical similarities to her 'family'. Her suspicions were reaffirmed when she applied for a drivers' licence and was unable to provide any of the necessary identification documents.

Carlina then began to initiate her own search on a missing person's registry and recognised herself in a composite photo.

She then tracked down the woman she thought was her birth mother and NYPD investigators were informed of the discovery.

The woman she tracked down agreed to a DNA test and the test proved that Carlina was the biological daughter of the woman she found through the website.

Unbelievable!

The National Centre for Missing and Exploited Children told NY Daily News: "This young woman gets all the credit. She felt it. Now she could have been just wrong - but in this case, we were able to help her get to the truth."

Carlina White told the NY Daily News: "I'm overwhelmed. I'm just happy. It's like a movie; it's all brand new to me."

After two decades, Carlina's elated mother and father have been reunited with their missing daughter.

Mother, Joy White added: "I can sleep! I can definitely sleep now because this has been on my mind for so many years."

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Anuvahood

It took me ages to realise that the film title was Another Hood!



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

A little bit of humour! You know you need it.

Squeezing out the last 10p

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in business attire is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boys' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly - her grip became tighter and tighter!!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last 10p, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor"?

"No" the woman replied.

"I'm with the Inland Revenue".

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Tomorrow's Never Promised

A Japanese Aftermath



It's almost impossible to truthfully imagine the shock, the loss and the destruction that the Japanese earthquake and tsunami has caused. Nothing in the world can prepare anyone for such devastation. To think that 10,000 people - which could be a considerable underestimate - are dead. Death from a natural disaster. One day everyone's fine and the next day; no mother, no father, no house, no food, no water, no car, phone, shelter, friends... nothing!

That's why I say, tomorrow's never promised. I think I know what I'm doing tomorrow. I assume I'm going to visit my mother. Call my son. Make a roast lamb dinner. Do my aerobics. But who knows if I'll be here in an hour's time much less tomorrow.

It makes you think.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries