Face to Face with a Feisty Fox

I was looking out the living room window this morning when I saw a fox heading towards the dust bins.

It then jumped on the wall, pushed off the dust bin lid, burst open the black bin liner and fished out a piece of half eaten chicken.

The sly fox then sat on the wall and proceeded to eat its chicken dinner. The fox, after filling his belly with the starter, went back for the main and pulled out something half rotten that I can't describe. It was obviously tasty to the fox because the fox was so consumed eating away that it didn't see when I opened my front door and let the dog out. In seconds, my dog was within spitting distance to the fox.

I wish I had my camera for the next thing that happened. As soon as my dog opened his mouth to bark, the fox ran across two bins, fell into one, jumped out again, hit the wall, recovered, span around and ran up the street screaming. My dog decided to chase the screaming fox but I called him back.

I don't want my dog to get the taste of fox blood. Or get run over by getting excited over a mangy fox.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

An August Moment

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?", the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farm yard, the mouse shouted to anyone within ear-shot:

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a big deal to you, but it's of absolutely no consequence to me. I'm not bothered."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "there is a mousetrap in the house! There's is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "there is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose. I couldn't care less"

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap; all alone.

That very same night a sound was heard throughout the house - the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she didn't see it.

It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap. The snake bit the farmer's wife on the neck. The farmer rushed her to the hospital. When she returned home she still had a high fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup.

So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued.

Friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them all, the farmer butchered the pig. But, sadly, the farmer's wife didn't get any better.

She died.

So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon.

And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So when someone is facing a problem and you think it has nothing to do with you, you may well be affected in a way that may not be evident at the time. When someone calls on you for help, you might want to say yes next time!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Wear Something White... Please!!

I know it's a bit morbid and the time hasn't come yet but I've decided that the two demands I make for my funeral is a casket made out of wicker, adorned with sunflowers and everyone to wear white!

I'm not affiliated with a special denomiation. Nor am I a regular church goer so I'll leave all those details to someone else, but I've got to have a say... and my say is wear white please.

Mourn as you wish. Say what you like. Praise how you please. But for heavens sake, wear something white. By the way, H2T (head-to-toe) preferable, but not essential.

Oh and one more thing... that white request includes underwear!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Revenge of Men and Women

Sadly, I've had a weekend of cheating. Not personally I must add. I'm a single lady so there's been no cheating where I'm concerned. It's happened to both my friend Debbie* and my cousin David*.

Debbie discovered that her boyfriend has been cheating on her for the past five months but he doesn't know that she knows... yet!

As for David, everyone knows his girlfriend cheated on him. It was the talk of yesterday's barbecue at my brothers' house. The reason why everyone knows about David's discovery is because he took a hammer to his ex-girlfriend's car and smashed every smashable thing on it, right outside their house early on Saturday morning.

Debbie on the other hand has decided that she's going to sit on her discovery until she's found an appropriate way to seek her revenge. I already know that Debbie has a plan that's so sophisticated, so devious, so dangerous and totally scary that I actually fear for her ex. He's going to be picking up the pieces right up until 2045!

That's when the barbecue talk turned to the types of revenge between men and women.

It turns out that everyone agreed on this: men play out their revenge immediately and outwardly. That's why their genitals are on the outside!! That outside thing was hotly debated but we all concluded that there might be a point to that outside thing. Men act NOW. Fight NOW. Revenge starts TODAY!

So what about women? Well... women's cruelty is on the inside. We calculate. We marinade it. We go deep down to where the devil himself wouldn't dare to tread. We move slowly with tunnel vision. We have discussions with other people to form an opinion and us women enjoy serving a dish served as cold as ice. Most women know today that next Thursday, they're going to create destruction on an epic level. That's why we wear our genitals on the inside! Again, that genitalia inside thing was hotly debated.

I'm not condoning revenge - I just know, as a female, it's best served cold!

(*) Names have been changed to save my a***.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Oh Oprah!

The Oprah Winfrey Show has Ended

I thought I'd be one of her guests one day but alas, it's over.

I've been watching The Oprah Winfrey Show for most of my adult life so I'm very sad that it's now over.

Sad because, like I said before, I wanted to be one of her guests. Pipe dream I hear you say. Yes, I hear myself say. But what's life without a dream?

But on a serious note, I've really enjoyed following Oprah's journey, her life story and her success.

As much as I've tuned in to other talk shows like Dr. Phil, The Tyra Banks Show, The Wendy Williams Show and The Mo'Nique Show; they're just not my Oprah!

She's one in a million.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

An August Moment

Husbands. Can't live with them, can't kill them!

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'that was for the piece of paper with the name Maxine on it that I found in your trouser pocket'.

The man then said 'when I was at the races last week Maxine was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologised and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man was watching TV when his wife bashed him upside the head with a heavy-duty Wok. She knocked him to the floor, leaving him unconscious.

When her husband re-gained consciousness, he asked why she had hit him all over again.

His wife replied... 'your horse just called the house phone. She wanted to know what time to meet you at the All You Can Eat Chinese Restaurant'.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Hangover: Part 2

If only hangovers were as funny as this movie trailer. Having said that, the short taster is funny to watch but I've been hungover in Thailand and it's not pretty.

My usual ritual before a hangover involves praying for Jesus to spare my life and promising to never mix still wine with sparkling wine. Or red wine with white wine. Or dark spirits with light spirits. Or creamy cocktails with fruity cocktails. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

Every now and then I promise that if I ever wake up again, I'll change my life and devote my time to the church.

I think God knows it's all a crock of sh*t!

In fact, I already know which three cocktails I'm having when I meet the girls for a Friday Night Get-together later on this evening; a mojito, a strawberry daiquiri and a pina colada and that's just the beginning.



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

An August Moment

As I Mature

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope that they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just complete a**holes. This is who they are, take it or leave it.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge bazooka’s.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. They're more screwed up that you think.

I’ve learned that that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we’re celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at the outset, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Life!!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Marriage Proposal

In my long life-time, I've only ever had one serious marriage proposal.

I said yes and then two days later, I said no! Shame on me. Shame because when I said 'yes', I meant 'no' but I was caught up in the moment.

When I thought about it in the cold light of day, I knew I didn't like the person in question, much less love them. That relationship/friendship/awful encounter turned very ugly after yes became no, to the point of having to get my brothers on stand-by to apply a few violent knots onto the guy in questions' head. Afterall, the proposer threatened to "snuff out my lights" to make up for his heart-break but the Mayfield Boys didn't appreciate that kind of talk at all. Did I mention, my dad has a spot in the backgarden for such eventualities?

I digress!! Needless to say, I would have made a horrible wife to him simply because I would have been deeply unhappy and regretful. That's if it got that far because it's quite likely that I would have run off on the day of the wedding, never to be seen again.

Every now and then, while in Spinster mode, I think to myself, maybe I should have said yes because that day, many years ago, could have been the one and only marriage proposal I ever get in this life!

Who am I kidding? NO WAS THE RIGHT THING TO SAY, so no regrets. If my life plan works out, I've still got another 50 years on this earth!! There's still time to do the Electric Slide at my wedding reception; that's if I'm not riddled with arthritis and my knees can take it.

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL... GONE WRONG



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Models dropping like flies...

...at Naomi Campbell's Fashion For Relief show held in Cannes.



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Grandparents Answer Machine

And it goes a little something like this:

Good morning. At present we are not at home but please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp!

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you're going to take us to Claridges for dinner, or taking us to a party, or better still, if you have a fat cheque; start talking we're listening!!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Why You Hittin' on Me?

That's what my car asked me yesterday. I'm not crazy! She does talk when other people aren't around; a bit like Kitt in Knight Rider but her name's not Kitt, it's Donna Summer for reasons known only to myself.

I'm sure I mentioned that my jacket was chatted up a few weeks ago but now it's my car!

The man in question said my car was "pretty" and "cute" and the colour was "beautiful, like a rare gem".

What's going on here? The worst thing about it is Donna Summer was filthy. Hasn't been washed in weeks.

Maybe I should take note. Wear nothing but a jacket and make myself filthy and not wash in weeks and I might get hit on myself for a change.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

One word: RIDICULOUS!

Why would you want to do this to yourself?

Chelsea Charms appeared on This Morning, the daytime TV programme to tell the nation why she loves her job as an exotic dancer and why she loves her massive bosoms.

US born Chelsea had her breasts enlarged by a now illegal procedure where polypropylene string was implanted into each breast.

The material irritates the breast lining, creating a serum, which could continue to make the breast tissue grow indefinitely. She said she will eventually have her breasts reduced and the polypropylene removed.

She added that 'itsy & bitsy', (she's named her breasts! Lord have Mercy) have made her a comfortable living as an exotic dancer and p*rn star, although she went on to say that Itsy & Bitsy can make daily life difficult.

She said she has trouble eating, she has to sleep on her back and she struggles to fit into aeroplane toilets.

She also has to do regular exercises to be able to support the breasts, which each weigh about the same as two large watermelons.

Ahhh, poor Chelsea, all that pain and suffering!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

This "Attraction" doesn't sound very attractive!

Visitors to Canada’s National Tower in Toronto can now pay $175 (£111) to walk hands-free around the outside of the building… attached only by a cable.



Personally, I can't imagine anything worse. I thought I was OK with heights until I walked across the Bridge over the River Kwai in Thailand. I had a mini panic attack. I was one of those ignorant people who thought only feeble women and effeminate men had panic attacks, but oh no; there's me almost fainting and crying on some old Thai woman's shoulder screaming "take me back".

So the thought of me shuffling around a ledge that’s only 5ft wide, without a guard-rail and is 1,168ft off the ground is enough to send me flying over the cuckoo's nest!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries