If he doesn't eat it, neither will I!

My dog loves me. Mostly because I give him a foodie treats for no reason whatsoever.

He doesn't do any tricks for his treats. In fact, he refuses to push open doors. He doesn't get the mail. He never drags his bed anywhere. When I move his bed from one location to another, he sits on it like the Queen of Sheba and looks very happy doing nothing but sailing across the living room floor.

He's very loyal but I've spoilt him and he really doesn't do anything special. In fact, it came to my attention when my family looked after an abandoned puppy that our dog was incredibly dull because the puppy learned to close doors with its little nose, she would catch food being throw mid air. Our dog just waits until it lands on the floor in front of him. Also, the puppy had fun playing with everything where as our dog just sits and watches TV.

One thing about our dogs is his total love of food. He'll even eat cardigans, the leather sofa, my mum's wig and slippers. In fact anything, except for baked beans!

I don't get it. Even when the dog is starving to the point of feeling faint, he'll walk away from baked beans. This is a bit worrying because if the dog who eats everything refuses to eat baked beans, then I'm reluctant to eat them myself. Dogs are very sensitive to smell and the dog takes a whiff and walks away. Maybe the dog knows something I don't.

So for the remainder of the year, I'm cutting baked beans out of my diet. If I grow a foot taller, turn in to a supermodel or my hair and nails grow inches each week, I'll never eat another bean again.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Why hasn't he married me?

Because he doesn't want you to be his wife, that's why!

I guess my answer is too simplistic isn't it. But this is what my friend and neighbour Sue said to me yesterday evening.

Why hasn't he married me? We've been together for 11 years. Living together for eight years. We have three children and I've got a three year old engagement ring. Why won't he just take the next step?

I really wanted to say to Sue, what are you asking me for? Seriously, do I really look like a woman who would know the answer to that question? Further more, don't you know my relationship history. 1989, failed. 1992, failed. 1998, failed. 2001, failed. Every year since then, FAILED. Need I go on?

She's clearly the kind of woman who would ask a vegetarian if they want chicken or ham in their sandwich if she's asking me of all people about marriage!

In all fairness, in terms of Sue's marriage question, all I can do is guess and I guess that Sue's fiancé is quite happy as he is. They're doing everything a married couple would and they're living exactly the way a married couple would live and I guess he doesn't see why he should go through all the "bother" of tying the knot.

She's obviously not cool with that so I suggested that if she wanted drastic measures and if marriage was really that important, she should tell him that they need to set a date and get this thing going or she's leaving.

She said that he might call her bluff and tell her to bugger off.

So I said to her well stay as you are. If you're both happy and getting along and nothing is wrong, then carry on, just pretend you're married.

Sue said no I can't go on like this. So I said to her Sue, the next time you have a question about relationships and marriage, please don't talk to me. Avoid me and don't ask me any questions. I can't help you.

With that, we both went back into our houses and shut the door.

No wonder he hasn't married her, she's annoying!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Hand

People do all sorts to stay looking young.

For instance, I exercise, dye my hair or pluck out the grey. If I've had a hefty night, I'll wear concealer to hide the dark circles that I've developed since hitting 30.

At this stage of my life, I can't say I want to be young, I just don't want to look old!

Unfortunately, there are times when something gives the game away.

In Kirsty Alley's case, it's her hands. She doesn't actually look like a woman of 60, but her hands certainly look about 75.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Ryan Giggs Love Affair and People's Opinion

This morning, my colleagues in the office at work were busy, not working, but discussing the extra-marital love-affairs of the famous footballer, Ryan Giggs.

Most of them drew the conclusion that his wife is a stupid b*tch for staying with him, considering he’s a cheating, lying, love-rat. But I stood alone amongst a throng of eight in my disagreement that she should walk. I personally couldn’t care less whether she goes or stays. In fact, I understand that it’s her business if she chooses to stick by her husband. It’s not that I agree with her, I just think that she’s not wrong or right. She’s just doing what is right for her.

Put it like this, I really don't care that she’s staying. I don’t care what she does. She can stay or she can go. It’s her life. She must have known forever, probably from the first year that she was with him, that he had wondering eyes, hands and a wandering penis but she loves him and chooses to stay with him. I don’t say it's a good thing or a bad thing – staying with a man who has affairs with other women while married and playing happy families is completely up to the individual.

Personally, I don’t think I have the stomach for staying in love-ness with a cheating man – it hurts too deep. The betrayal, the lies, the uncomfortable making-up and the bad feeling is not for me. Every time someone I care about has cheated on me, (and it’s been aplenty where I’m concerned) but whether or not I walk immediately, or after a few days, or a month or a year, I've never been able to remain in a relationship where I've been cheated on. I've never been able to maintain ANY relationship to date so I can’t put myself in a position to be judge or jury.

But women at work were furious and spitting blood and feathers because Mrs Ryan Giggs has let her husband off the hook. We don't know what their set up is. Maybe she loves Ryan more than she loves herself. Or she might think it's important that her children remain in a household where there's a mum AND a dad. Maybe she doesn't expect anything other than him having affairs. Who knows?

Bottom line is it doesn’t keep me awake at night. If a woman wants to stay with a cheating man it's up to her. If she wants to walk or talk it's up to her. I do have my opinion which is staying isn't really for me but individuals do whatever they like within their own relationship. Who people love and care about is unique to them and them alone.

She could have a man on the side for all we know! And also, in her life, she knows what she is about to gain or lose. Again, it’s her life and she knows what she’s doing.

I guess women or men who stay with their partners after infidelity know what they're doing. They know why they're staying and no one forces them to do so.

So yes, within the office at work and amongst my angry colleagues who are intent on killing Ryan Giggs, I stand alone by saying Mrs Ryan Giggs is right by her own circumtances and by her own relationship barometer, to stay with her husband.

What I might do in my personal life is different (kick him to the curb, set him on fire, cut off his penis, never speak to him again in this life or the next), my opinion doesn’t count!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Girls Run the World

Well of course we do silly!

Beyoncé has been at the top of her game for over 15 years. She has performed as the sensational lead in Destiny's Child. She also came out on her own to pursue her solo career. She's amazed us with her live stage shows, not just with her beautiful singing but her energetic dancing.

She's given us her scent, her mother's clothes (the Dereon line isn't very pretty, I must say), her amazing photo-shoots and her budding acting career.

Tying the knot hasn't tamed her either; she has become more confident and you can see the girl turning into a full grown woman right in front of your eyes.

I love Beyoncé and if I were the crazy jealous type, I'd throw myself down on a train-track and kill myself right now out of pure undiluted envy!



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Yesterday I Cried

I didn’t cry at all. In fact, Yesterday I Cried is a big fat lie. Yesterday I Cried is the name of a book. So no, I didn't cry but I definitely felt like it.

I was feeling sorry for myself because I’m tired. Not just tired but my body-clock has gone up the wall and it’s making me feel emotional. My body doesn’t know whether or not to sleep at night or sleep in the day so now it’s doing a bit of both. I go to bed at 11pm at night and I stay awake until 5am in the morning.

Sometimes when I need to be awake all day, I either pass out at 7pm in the evening or I’m over-dosing on Redbull which makes me feel like I’m on acid.

A few days ago, I woke up and thought it was morning. Turns out it was three in the afternoon. When my dog saw me, he cocked his head to the side with a look that said “as long as I live, I’ll never get that woman”!

Yesterday, the need to cry started because I didn’t have a lengthy conversation with another living soul for hours and felt lonely and forgotten about.

I spoke to the TV, the PC and the dog!

I also spoke to the mirror and told my reflection that I was looking old and tired and the dark circles under my eyes needed attention and the new grey hairs in my fringe needed removal.

All I know is I had an overwhelming need to shed some tears and it all got a bit too much in the car yesterday evening. I can’t put my finger on the thought that triggered it off, but all of a sudden, I felt the flood-gates beginning to open.

But I couldn't cry. No. Sensibilities kicked in before water fell out of my eyes. And do you want to know why I cancelled the tears? I’ll tell you why! VANITY. I had applied false eyelashes, blue eye-shadow and under-eye concealer while getting ready to go out and crying would have smudged it all and I would have ended up looking like an actress in a tear-jerker. So I sucked it up!

I’ll cry some other time, when it’s more convenient.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

It wasn't his day to die!

A three year old boy who was allegedly left home alone by his parents fell from his 8th floor balcony. The accident happened in Beijing, China last week.



The little boy's fall was broken when he ended up being wedged behind an air-conditioning unit which was fixed to the wall on the 7th floor on the outside of the building.



The boy was rescued by his neighbours when they heard his screams.

What a lucky little boy!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Oh to be Young and Stupid!

I guess there's something to be said about being young and immature. If I wasn't so green and naive, I wouldn't have the fabulous sons I have today.

My boys bought me a father's day card yesterday as a joke because they said that I was like their mum and dad rolled into one, which I thought was quite touching, even if it was tongue-in-cheek. Thinking about it all, I look back and think if it were the August Mayfield of today, I would not have gotten pregnant for the man-child I made babies with. So yes, there's something to be said for being young and stupid.

In my youth, I got pregnant and then got pregnant again a year later and when my little ones were both still in nappies, one day "the devil kicked me" as my Gran would say and I made the decision to get my partner and his demons out of my life and raise my babies by myself. The choice was either go it alone or jump in the river Thames with both babies on each hip and as you can see, I'm still here so it wasn't the Thames.

Hindsight makes me realise the man-child wasn't mean to me on purpose, he was just one of those unfortunate people who didn't know how to be a better person. And that's why I got a father's day card yesterday. Because in my youth, I was stupid.

I'm still stupid sometimes but like I'd like to think that every now and then, it's only temporary!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Did I really see what I just saw?

For that matter, did anyone else see what I just saw?

Ladies and gentlemen, this morning, at approximately 8am, I saw a man on a bike. But this was no ordinary man, it was a man dressed as a woman. But please believe me when I say he wasn't dressed like an ordinary woman.

Let me go back in time a little bit. A few hours ago, while I was walking past Tooting Bec common, I saw this vision in pink, cycling by. This vision in pink as a sight to behold. Let me try to explain.

The person on the bike was very much a man. But this man was dressed very much like a woman. He didn't look like a woman but he was definitely, positively dressed like a woman. He had long grey hair and a great big bald patch. He was wearing a pretty summer dress. I even had the time to notice that he was wearing red lipstick and pink nail polish.

He was wearing sandals and had a handbag across his shoulders which was hanging down by his hip. The most shocking thing of all was this man was wearing a pink dress that was so short I could see his thongs. Unfortunately for me, my vision was way too clear because I also noticed that his thongs contained very large and bulging male parts. Sadly, his 'meat and two veg' were not hidden. The male parts were in full view.

This overwhelming vision on a bike rode past me with grey hair flowing in the wind. This vision also had pink dress flowing in the wind and unfortunately for me, all his underwear and his male parts were flowing in the wind too.

I had to rush home and have a little lie down just to digest what I think I saw. A man who had no desire to look like a man, who sort of, kind of, if you squinted, looked like a woman but was a man!

Oh well. The world is full of all kinds of colourful people. Who's to say what men and women are supposed to look like in these modern times. I just wish he kept his dangly bits to himself! It was a bit too early for me to digest such an early morning PEEP SHOW if I'm being honest.

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

A strange way to hand in your resignation!

My manager told me and my colleagues on Monday morning that from now on, we have to buy our own stationery. There's been cuts again and apparently, my boss says his boss has made it clear that if we don't make cuts within our department starting from now, jobs may be cut at the end of the year. So this time around, they're withdrawing our staplers and paper-clips.

I guess the reduction in the size of the office in January didn't save enough money. We're all cramped and 'hot desking' and sitting in tiny little sections, practically on top of each other. If I sit at my desk I can reach the scanning machine, black and white printer, colour copier and the internal post tray. If I use my foot, I can get a fax out of the fax machine, all without getting out of my chair.

The free vending machine now charges for hot beverages so now people are bringing in their own tea bags and coffee. This has resulted in grand theft. I've been robbed of of Earl Grey, Lemon & Ginger, Cadbury's drinking chocolate and brown sugar!

How in the hell our manager is going to get us to bring in our own scissors and post-it notes is another thing. When he made this announcement on Monday, I really wanted to tell him to keep his bullsh*t job. I'm sick to death of being threatened with the loss of my job if I don't jump through another dumb hoop. These cost-cutting exercises are making us act like spineless idiots out of fear. All I know is I ain't bringing in sh*t. If paper needs stapling, too bad. I'll stick it together with chewing gum. See how he likes that.

What will it be next time? Sit in the dark or bring in your own candle. Or maybe if we want to switch on our computers, we're going to have to put money in the electricity meter.

I even had a dream on Monday night where I stormed into my boss's office, kicked his PC off his desk, punched him in the face and then said "I've had about enough of this sh*t, why don't you go f***** yourself and stick your job where the sun don't shine" and then he burst into tears. Unfortunately, in reality, I'm absolutely sure if I made that venomous speech, security would be frog-marching me off my feet towards the sign marked UNEMPLOYED!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

World's Shortest Man

An 18 year old teenager, Junrey Balawing from the Philippines, has been crowned the world's shortest man by the Guinness Book of Records.



It turns out that little Junrey is the size of an average one year old, which happens to be approximately 23 inches tall.

If he came over to London, he'd find a girlfriend. Yep, I know who she is too. She so happens to be me. And why do I say these words I hear you say. Well I say these words on very good authority. Life experience. My journey, or should I say Junrey, through life has shown me that mostly little people step out of their way to ask me out on a date. Simply because I'm also vertically challenged. I stand 5ft 2 and a half in socks and this little stature of mine attracts men who are not well blessed in the height department.

I don't like this 'little man coming to get me' one little bit because I'm attracted to tall guys. Big guys. Meaty and beefy and frightfully masculine. So it fills me with a great amount of displeasure when I'm approached by other 'little people'. Little people like me!

Maybe I ought to accept my lot, but not without a fight. I'm seriously holding out for my 6ft guy, but he's not here yet, so in the meantime, I'll have to make do with the likes of Junrey. But I hope Junrey and his type realises he's just going to be a temporary measure.

That's right, I'm not even going to pretend. I'd leave him the minute a statuesque man comes into my line of vision - that's if he's interested in a little thing like me!

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

The August Mayfield Diaries

Lying on the South London Pavement ... SMASHED!

Me and my sister Shebah decided to visit our Godfather, Uncle Henry, at his flat in Stockwell in South London today. He's had a major back operation and is recuperating at home. He's a fabulous man and very much like a parent to us, so we always like to keep an eye on him to make sure he's doing OK by bringing him presents and our presence. He's one of those people who always says "you didn't need to bring me anything; your company is good enough" and what person doesn't like to hear that?

Read more ...

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

Understanding Women

Apparently, there's a new manual for men about 'Understanding Women'.

I've heard it's a good read.

It might take guys a while to get through it but it's worth it.

Here's a picture - which might give you a clue as to how exhausting it could well be. But like I said, I heard it's worth it!



Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries

I'll have two bottles in that colour please

My cousin Natasha has just returned from a Hen Week holiday in Tenerife.

She's normally a very dull brown, but when I saw Natasha this afternoon, she was the most beautiful colour I've ever seen.


She looked as if she was carrying a ball of sunshine inside her because she seemed to be glowing from inside out, head to toe.

If I could have one wish today, it would be to be dyed in exactly the same colour as our Tasha! Honestly. If you could select a skin dye like you select hair dye, I'd dye myself "Natasha Brown".

Anyone for Shoes?

The August Mayfield Diaries