Watch out for the Crocodile!

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't even begin to get my camera out and ready to click if I saw something like this raise out of the water.

The picture would be a blur and if it was a video shot, all you would hear is my screams and a vision of me running for my life in the other direction"



Don't ask me who it was, but someone who was incredibly brave snapped a photo of an 80 year old, 18ft-long saltwater crocodile.

The animal is seen to be launching itself out of the water off the Adelaide River to grab itself a slab of enticing raw meat.

I don't know how they managed to hold the camera still, but someone brave enough managed to capture Brutus the Giant Crocodile. Brutus the Crocodile, who is believed to have lost his front right leg during an altercation with a shark, is clearly seen jumping out of the water for food. As far as I'm concerned, I TOO AM FOOD!!

His head and neck alone is as tall as I am!

There's no way on earth that I wouldn't rock that boat they were in. If it were down to me, we would be eaten because I'd cause such a commotion that we'd probably all end up in the water. I'd be screaming and running in the other direction for dear life. God only knows how the boat users kept their composure!

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Serena Williams' Bottom has a...

...PUBLICIST!



The Publicist books Serena's bottoms' special guest appearances. There are also bookings to attend premiers and parties but her bottom hasn't been invited to any chat-shows.



That could prove to be a bit embarrassig, talking out of your *****!!

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Thank God It's Friday!!

I love it when I've done a whole week's worth of work and then I realise it's time to chill.

The weekend is never long enough, but when 5 o'clock on Friday comes, I'm ever so grateful.

I'm even more grateful to have a alcoholic beverage without shame or pain. So thank God it's Friday. I can take off my work-a-day suit and let my hair down and have a drink without feeling guilty.



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The August Mayfield Diaries

Oh Janice!

That's a bit frightening.



Old ex Supermodel Janice Dickinson loves nothing better than showing off. I guess she's been spending time in a Malibu Concentration Camp by the looks of things.

Personally, I think she would have looked much better in a one-piece, right up to her neck, but I have a feeling that Janice's specially made warped mirror told her a completely different story. I guess the most important thing is Janice is very happy with what she sees in the mirror and if I think she looks like a starving, wrinkled old thing, she couldn't care less. In fact, she would be equally revolted if she saw me in my two piece. She'd march me down to the nearest plastic surgeon and order the removal of everything between waist and thighs.

Janice Dickinson, in her youth!



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The August Mayfield Diaries

Boxing, Smoxing!

I like the idea of boxing, but I don't really enjoy watching the fight itself.

If men want to knock seven bells out of each other in a controlled environment and no one's being exploited and on top of that, they get well paid, it's up to them. They're only hurting one another. I actually think fist-to-fist combat is a brave thing to do.

I don't know what this says about me, but watching the actual match is a bit of a turn-off. I'd much prefer to hear about what happens in the ring than to see it with my own eyes.

What I do really enjoy is the pre-fight banter and how the fighters react to each other once the fight and bravado is over.

I love it when a fighter before a match starts running off his chops about how many ways he's going to murder someone in the ring and they come out of it with a black eye, a broken nose and screaming for a re-match!

I didn't watch the heavy weight match between Ukrainian Wladimir Klitschko and Britain's David Haye and I didn't care one way or the other who won. That's a lie!! I didn't like David Haye's show-boating and thought it would be rather embarrassing if he lost. And lost he did. WLADIMIR KLITSCHKO WON BY A UNANIMOUS POINTS DECISION.

After all of David Haye's big-chat and bluster, I'm supposing the victory was all the more sweeter for young Wladimir.

Let's see...



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The August Mayfield Diaries

Zumba

It looks like the Zumba keep fit craze isn't going away any time soon. It's been around for a while but I only caught the fever last month.

Zumba is a Latin music and movement-inspired dance workout which was created in the 90s by a Colombian dancer and choreographer by the name of Alberto "Beto" Perez.

I've been doing Zumba for about three weeks now - I'm a Newbie! My cousin Caroline and friend Eve both started the classes and were singing its praises so I decided to take a look for myself and I've been hooked ever since.

Eve has already cancelled her gym membership but Eve never sticks anything out so I can't say I'm surprised. I on the other hand am loving it. It's ruining my hair by sweating it out so my once smooth flat-ironed hairdo has now taken on the role of a frizzy mass but it's the best workout I've ever done because it's fun.



One more complaint! I thought I was born with rhythm. In fact, I've never had a problem with dancing and movement. I love dancing. I thought I was pretty good at it. Until Zumba. While doing the workout, I've trodden on my own feet, mis-stepped and fallen out of place and out of beat and quite often, I move to the left when I'm supposed to move to the right. Other than that, it's fab.

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Just for Laughs!

First time to Make Love

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before - he's a rare breed - a VIRGIN. So he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the cash register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy. Is it a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack?

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy; it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious..."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist"!

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Little Boys vs. Grown Arse Women

It's very unusual for me to feel intimidated when I walk past a group of youths. By the uncompromising, bitter taste in the mouth, gnarly witch expression on my face, we don't know who's going to come off worse from any teenage combat or a mugging. Me or them?

Also, they'd be sorely disappointed on opening up my purse. My purse contains two photographs of my children, four first class stamps, the business card with address and telephone number of my employment agency, possibly a cash-point receipt that says nil in my account and some loose change. I'd probably get beaten up out of pure frustration because the muggers wouldn't know how to spend 13 pence and a first class stamp.

Most young guys are pretty harmless anyway. I have sons of my own and they look a lot more menacing than they are. A bunch of pussy-cats if you ask me. The menacing look is for peers usually. Not for people like me, minding my own business. Trying not to look like prey and minding my own business.

But yesterday was a little different. Summer sunshine got to my brain and I wasn't dressed appropriately for my age. I was down with the little white cutesy dress and flowers in my hair thing. Not a good look for a woman with teenagers but hell, it's summer - big nylon blouses and closed-toe shoes is the devil's work when the sun's shining! But I felt a little bit self conscious passing the teenaged boys, but I didn't want to show my concern and cowardice by crossing the road to avoid the yoots!

As I passed them, I heard one of the braver ones say 'Gee-Whizz. Can I be your toy boy? You can be my sugar mummy; or even my Cougar'.

This child, with mother's milk still wet on his face, couldn't have been more than 20 years old. I'm not into toy boys right now, but if I was, he would have been on my list of top-10's. But I've not reached the stage where I want to destroy my children by inviting a step-father into our household who's only two years older than them.

Anyway, I said to the boy 'you best go home little man and put on your daddy’s shoes because this... ' and I pointed at myself from head to toe '...is a big mans game'!

And with that, I received a wolf-whistle and a round of applause.

The first round of applause I've received since hitting a home run while playing rounders at primary school.

Not bad my people! Not bad at all. Goes to show, I've still got it!!

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Bridesmaids

Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride!

The August Mayfield Diaries

Why did the squirrel cross the road?

To get on YouTube!



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The August Mayfield Diaries

The August Mayfield Diaries

Friends with the Ex? I don't Think So!

My friend Dayna has just been dumped, ditched, sacked and kicked to the curb by her boyfriend.

She had a feeling it was on the cards because he started to act a bit peculiar. Dayna said out of nowhere recently, her boyfriend kept on putting himself down for no apparent reason. He would just come out and say she was too good for him or that he wished he was a better man. He would also express that he felt like something was missing in his life or he wished he had a better job or better qualifications. As a couple, he would call them Beauty and the Beast or Lady and the Tramp and what did she see in him and she deserved someone better. She said she was peeling the potatoes in the kitchen on Monday and all of a sudden, Thomas came in and said, you're such a good cook; I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you. Dayna said within 20 minutes, she went through his phone, his pockets and his wallet! He was acting so suspiciously.

Read more ...

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Octomom hates her kids!

Mother of 14, Nadya Suleman says she hates her octuplets. She also said her six older kids are animals!



Well how did she expect to feel? Was she expecting The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show? She's a single parent. There are some single parents who want to kill themselves after trying to raise just one child.

What person can run a household with six little kids and then eight babies! What the hell was she thinking! Even a day-care facility would shut its doors if it had one member of staff and 14 children in their charge.

If I had to look after 14 little kids day in and day out, I'd hate them too. Yeah I said it... I'd hate them too.

When I found myself raising two little babeies with the support of the fathers' family, my own family, my friends and even cousins, aunts and uncles, it still turned out to be one of the most difficult jobs in the whole wide world.

I used to go to work with a dirty blouse because a child had sneezed Weetabix on me. One day at work, I pulled out what I thought was a hankerchief from my pocket but it turned out to be a pungent urine-soaked pair of underwear my son had an accident in while being potty trained.

For years I didn't wear makeup or nail polish because I didn't have time or the inclination. I put holidays to the back of my mind. My feet grew one size bigger. My stretch-marks looks like a roadmap of Great Britain. My life was turned upside down once I became the mother of two.



So for me to be a mother to 14; six to begin with and then a further eight at one time... oh please. I'd sell them; each and every one of them. I'd take them straight to Malawi and then I'd call Madonna.

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The August Mayfield Diaries

Horrible Bosses

Colin Farrell never looked so bad!!



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The August Mayfield Diaries